Carried Away

Two nights ago I dreamt about a little baby girl.  I dreamt about holding her in my arms, kissing her face, changing her diaper, dancing with her.  I woke up with a sense of contentment, knowing that I would love the baby that was growing inside of me.  This baby, who was too little still to see on an ultrasound would bring some love and peace back into our home.  About an hour after I woke up, I started to feel a little crampy.  Then I saw some blood.  I got in the car and picked up my mother and we drove to the doctor's office.  Still no egg sac on the ultra sound...a little unusual for being 6 weeks pregnant.  He had my blood drawn to check for hormone levels.  The cramps got worse.  I guess I don't need to tell you that I have lost this pregnancy.  I know you didn't even know I was pregnant.  I was looking forward to sharing my good news in mid-December.  That won't happen.  I hadn't even considered the possibility of a miscarriage to be honest before Maxie died.  Of course, I hadn't considered the possibility of Maxie dying either.  A "cousin" of mine, in an attempt to make me "feel better" at shiva one evening said, "Don't worry.  This will never happen to you again.  It's like a miscarriage.  Every woman has to have one.  So you have one and it's over and then you move on."  I still have no idea what that all meant, since not every woman has a baby I don't understand the comparison but what stuck with me is that I have not had a miscarriage.  Well, I have now.  So, everyone who wrote to me to tell me about their miscarriages can now rest assured that I understand their pain.  This is incredibly painful.  Physically and emotionally.  It is NOWHERE close to the pain I feel in having lost Max.  Doesn't even touch that pain.  But, having this little bit of hope taken away is like one more nail in my coffin.  And, no, I am still not going to kill myself.  And that doesn't make me strong.  Not killing myself is not strong.  Living every day is not strong either.  I have no choice but to keep living.  I know we will try to get pregnant again.  We have to.  But, I am not sure how much more I can handle.

1 comment

Rebecca Patrick-Howard said...

We also had this happen the month before conceiving our rainbow. It was horrible. We actually asked for medical help (Clomid) to help me conceive again. I had trouble conceiving for reasons that were attributed to stress and at that point, those problems weren't going away. I couldn't wait, though. I needed something positive to plan for, to look forward to. The pregnancy almost killed me and I'm still not well, 5 months later, but it was the best decision we made. People didn't understand why we wanted to get pregnant so soon aferwards. If we had waited, though, and really thought things through then I'm not sure we would have. So I am grateful that we weren't rational and went for it.