In response to your comment

Friday, October 19, 2012

When I post about being angry and full of rage, I am being honest.  I think it is an emotion that most people feel at one point or another.  I am in a period of my life when I am feeling it a lot.  I suppose that is something that I should feel ashamed about, as an anonymous commenter posted (twice?) on my blog.  I just found the comments now.  I guess he/she must have written them earlier.  Sometimes I don't see your comments to publish them for up to a few days, I am not being "cowardly", I am being busy....with a newborn!  Be patient...I'll post your comment.  But, speaking of cowardly, how come all of the really insulting comments are posted by "anonymous"?  I am me, telling you how I feel.  If you want to comment, I encourage you to be yourself.  Anyway, anonymous, I totally agree with you.  Anger and rage is holding me back.  It is one of the reasons that I am talking about it in therapy.  It is one of the reasons I decided to post honestly about it on my blog.  Turns out it is a very common part of grief, one of the 5-7 stages of grief in fact.  It is also a very common part of PTSD.  Yesterday, (before I read your comment this morning), I was talking to my sister in law, Beth, about how sad it makes me that Ted and I are so angry.  This isn't who we are.  This isn't who we used to be.  She told me that in this second year of grief, she feels more angry as well.  The anger isn't always directed at specific people either....but even when it is....at the heart of it is anger that Max isn't here - that our son died.  I DO think twice before I post something that will rub readers the wrong way.  I am just like you in that I would rather be liked than not liked by others (if you didn't care, you wouldn't have posted anonymously).  But, I set out to write a blog about what losing a child honestly feels like...and sometimes it is really ugly.  Anonymous, I am fairly certain that you are not a bereaved parent.  If you were, you would know the rage that I am talking about.  I am certain that you would have felt it at some point.  But, something else that I am willing to bet on, is that you are a person who has felt rage...most humans have.  Your comment to me is full of rage and hate.  My post about rage seems to have enraged you.  I'm sorry for that.  I guess I hope that you never have to experience trauma, deep pain, heartbreak and loss.  After the greatest loss imaginable, people said terrible, evil, hurtful things and I have not been able to wrap my brain around why they have done that.  Maybe you can explain it to me?  I wish I could tell you that I just let it roll off my back because "sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me".  Unfortunately, words have hurt me.  Words have been used to intentionally hurt me....like your words were used in the comment you wrote about my post.  Congrats!  Job accomplished.

Anonymous, if you would like to continue posting on my blog, I encourage you to use your name the way you use your words.  To say how you honestly feel but hide behind the name "Anonymous" is pretty cowardly (to use your words, not mine).  I actually think that to write how I really feel on a blog that has my name all over it is pretty brave.

*It has come to my attention that the anonymous comment is only visible in the mobile version of my blog, not the web version.  Also, it was in my spam comment folder, which is why I didn't see it until this morning.  Since Anonymous wanted to be posted so badly, here is what they wrote:

- To be vengeful & hateful serves no purpose. In order to move forward you have to forgive those that have caused you harm, then and only then will you make true progress in your grief. All your doing is hurting yourself in your attempt to hurt others. 

-Vengeance & hatefulness is a horrible quality. In order to progress in your grief you first have to forgive those that have hurt you (whether they meant to or not). You will NEVER move forward if you continue to blame others. I see that you post some comments but omit others, how cowardly.You use this blog as a forum to cast judgement on others but I guess its not ok for an outsider to express/cast their judgement on you or the things you blog about. I'm sure my comment isn't the first that you decided you didn't like

15 comments:

rebecca Patrick-Howard said...

I get these "anonymous" comments too, from people who claim to be "helpful." The thing is, the KNOW they are saying something shitty or else they would post their real names to begin with. I believe that there are people out there who prey on bereaved parents and do their best to "help" us because they know we're vulnerable and they get off on having an effect on our feelings. Fuck 'em.

Becca said...

I think you are incredibly brave to write this blog. It is a big thing to do and I know it helps many others. I thought your post about your PTSD was enlightening because I had only ever heard firsthand accounts from war vets in the past. I haven't been able to comment on your blog in a long time (something with
My computer doesn't like the format or something - I have no idea), but I still think about you and your family every day. What happened to you is unthinkable. Of course you feel rage. It would be weird if you didn't!

Andrea said...

I love how you recognize how incredibly brave it is that you post as honestly as you do. Because it is. Unfortunately with the good supportive people come the nasty ones too. Take comfort in the fact that this person is most likely as ignorant in their everyday life to people around them as they are to you. Probably super bored with not much quality of life to speak of is my guess. At least you are working through your pain to try to become better. People that bully others are horrible. People that do it from the safety of their homes with no one to answer to are scum. Take this for whatever it's worth. I think you're doing the very best you know how to do and that, is always enough. Take care and I hope you know that this person is nothing but a sad, sad loser.

jessica said...

Really?!? It is unfathomable to me how rude, insensitive and just generally insane people are. Knowing how frustrating and heartbreaking it is to me to read again that people are judging you, telling you how to move through YOUR grief and hurting you, I can only imagine how frustrating and heartbreaking it must be for you and Ted.

You should not ever have to feel ashamed about how you are feeling. You honor Maxie, yourselves and Mo with your honesty and your emotion. Just because someone is too cowardly to face their own emotions does not mean that they have a right to tell you to tone yours down. This is YOUR space, no one else's. It is an incredible memorial to Maxie and you are helping so many other bereaved parents by sharing your journey. I am so proud of you for putting to "paper" how you feel and for being brave enough to do so and to do so honestly.

Of course you are angry, upset and filled with rage! Your beautiful boy is gone. You had to live through him passing, you have to relive it every day. It is so unfair, so wrong and so angering that this is your lives. You and Teddy are not angry people. You are amazing people. You have amazing smiles and amazing laughs and you are wonderful friends. You both love to dance and enjoy yourselves among a million other things from your life that must seem so distant now. Those people are still in there, they are just having to fight through this awful new reality and learn how to live with the loss of their beloved son. I love you guys no matter what. I can't understand how people - strangers and people who you have shared your love and your lives with (most especially those people) - could say and do the horrible and hurtful things that they have done and said. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that people suck.

There is nothing cowardly about how you are living your life and how you are sharing your journey. You have more courage and bravery than anyone I know. I'm sorry that you have to have all of that and that you can't just have Maxie and Mo sitting beside you while you post baby pictures and write about spit up. It is eternally unfair and it will forever make me angry and full of rage on behalf of the 4 of you.

There are many things I would like to say to Anonymous but none of them are very nice. So, I'll just say: Anonymous, you should be ashamed of yourself. Especially if you followed up your first crummy comment with another one just to make sure you got your dig in.

Abby, Ted, Maxie and Mo, you are so very loved! I hope that our love helps to lift you up and ease you gently along this terrible path you are on. I'm sorry that there are people out there who don't have compassion (which I believe you can have even if you don't understand and know what you guys are feeling) and who think it's okay to pick on people. I wish I could make it all go away. Sadly, I can't. But, I can love you and support you the best that I can and I hope that helps to make up for some of the rest of them. xoxo

Bianca said...

WOW. No words.

Abs, I am so sorry that some people continue to be so selfish and cruel. You have already suffered more pain than anyone should feel in a lifetime and you deserve only love and understanding. xoxo

rebecca Patrick-Howard said...

Abby, this is very, very close to the comment that "anonymous" wrote me a few weeks ago. I believe it's the same person. If it is the same person, then it's someone that we don't even know which makes it even sicker.

And, you know what? Even if you intentionally decided not to post some comments (I know the Disqus thing...you commented on my blog once and I found it in my spam folder a week later) then that's your right. It's your blog. You control it.

Dear anonymous: you're s self-righteous coward. Find a hobby.

Tiffany said...

wow. this makes me so angry. right after Julius passed away (like days after) i got hateful comments on my blog pretty much saying that i caused this to happen to my family because i bragged about him too much. and that maybe if i went on to have another child, i would use some humility. sick isn't it? people are so crazy. this is one reason that i no longer allow anonymous posts on my blog. since then, i have not received any comments like this. most of the time these hateful people will hide behind the computer screen/anonymous. and know they wouldn't be as ugly and hateful if they had to do this in person. it's so disturbing. i wish they could understand how much hurt they are adding to an already hurting family.

Marla said...

Who kicks down a bereaved parent? There are some truly sick and disturbed people out there. Makes my stomach turn. You know I have a temper Abby....what I wouldn't do to meet this 'anonymous' somewhere in a dark alley....then they'd REALLY know the true meaning of rage and hate!!!

Sonia R said...

Abby, I'm so sorry. 'Annon' needs to just piss right off and leave you alone. Has s/he no humanity? No compassion? Scratch that question, of course they haven't. Disgusting behaviour. I didn't read the post, mostly because *sometimes* my ipad doesn't let me read any comments or post comments on your blog, I cannot figure out why. I have to revert to using my lap top but I get the gist of what was said. My Mum always said, if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.


I'm sorry. I wish I could take some of the pain and anger away for you. I know its a normal part of the (your) grieving process, but I wish you didn't have to suffer.


Thinking of you, sending you peace and love, Sonia

Anna Hynek said...

Dear Abby, how truly awful and uninformed is anonymous. They write with complete insensitivity to or knowledge of grief. Grief is real. The seven stages of grief very real, anger being a crucial step. It is powerful and it involves a whole rainbow of emotions and phases. PTSD is real. It also involves incredibly strong responses (like rage) to the kind of trauma that you and Teddy are living through since your sweet, innocent Maxie died.


On one hand, anonymous is most like a person who has never had to deal with either grief or PTSD. I got many like these after my father died when I was 20. And when the rest of my family moved to a foreign country shortly thereafter. Some from close friends at the time. No one could relate and were having fun.


On the other hand, maybe anon has been through this but didn't allow themselves the proper time to heal and is resentful. This could be triggering their own undealt with rage.


Then again, they could just be a troll. I mean that in two ways. The first, yes, I have just resorted to name calling. The second is literal. There are disgusting pathetic people out there who "troll" the internet, posting comments anonymously intended to get a rise of people, cause harm, and bully. There was a great program on about this the other night and more information can be found at http://www.sbs.com.au/insight/episode/overview/507/Trolls.


But mostly, I am not nearly as concerned with anonymous' motivations as I am about you, Ted, Maxie and Mo. I am thinking of you, sending my love and support. Take the time you need and trust your instincts.


xo, Anna

Sarah Blitzstein said...

Abby, I have read your blog for a while now and although never commented, I have been sending you positive vibes and love. I even took a candle for Maxie while on the beach in Tel Aviv and was embarrassed to send it. Anyways, this post got me so upset, I had to write. YOU ARE SO BRAVE for having the courage to be so honest with the whole world about a loss so great. I really just had to tell you that. I wish that there weren't crazy, mean people who wrote maen comments on blogs, but there are and you're brave for confronting them on your blog. It's nuts that you have to defend yourself. Grief is a long process, or so I learned in social work school, and you're learning in real life. I have gained much from reading your story and I wanted you to know that.


Sarah
fellow Jewish communal professional in LA

jayden's Mommy said...

Abby, Im sorry to hear this. It makes me so mad. This is YOUR BLOG, hello you write whatever you want. Im in intense rage, Im so angry and yes Im sad because its not Who I was, but My SON died. Its not enough that we have to deal with idiots or well intentional family and friends who make stupid comments all the time. But now we have to deal with anonymus this is ridiculous. I wish that for a few minutes they will go thru what we go thru everyday I wish that they will have the ViVID Flashbacks that come with PTSD. There is a million people that love you and your family for every Idiot anon. Please remember that. XO Kira
Jaydenalexander.blogspot.com

AuntieMip said...

I am sorry for your pain. I am sorry ignorance of others is so personally painful to you. I am sorry your heart is broken, I am sorry your beautiful Maxie is goner and you are so empty without hime. I am so very sorry. No other words matter. The only words that make any sense, apply here, provide Andy relief are I am sorry. And I am!

AuntieMip said...

Oh my goodness I just realized there is a serious typo...friggin iPad! I apologize. Goner =gone. I am horrified I missed that!

Yael said...

Anonymous - you are just horrible!!!! If you don't like what Abby is writing - don't read her blog!!!! And if you are someone who really cares about her and her family - be honest - leave your name or call her or email her - don't post it and run away... NOT cool!!!

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