Another case of PTSD

Sunday, October 28, 2012

I went to a conference with my aunt yesterday, which I will tell you more about later.  Teddy stayed home with Mo yesterday and they had an important father/son bonding day.  I came home for a couple of hours around lunch time to hang out.  I found them in the backyard, sharing a sweet and quiet moment together.  Mo is healing both of our hearts.  

Anyway, on my way home I was listening to Sirius radio's backspin station...it's all hip hop and rap music from my high school and college years.  I love it.  An old favorite of mine (and Ted's) came on and for like the first time EVER, I actually listened to the words I was saying.  Oh my god, I thought, this song is about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Seriously!  All of the things I spoke about in my post traumatic stress post - paranoia, feelings of depression, thoughts of suicide, rage and anger, need to isolate, inability to cope.  

A COMPLETELY different situation than losing a child, or being a vet...but still grief, loss and flashbacks.  Geto Boys' song about the horrors of urban gang life. 

Only a VERY select few of you will know or remember this song.  Disclosure - SO MUCH profanity....don't even listen or read the lyrics below if you can't handle it.  Don't say you haven't been warned. 




Geto Boys - Mind playin tricks on me

Intro: scarface 
I sit alone in my four-cornered room 
Staring at candles 
Oh that sh*t is on? heh 
Let me drop some sh*t like this here 
Real smooth 
Verse one: scarface 
At night I can't sleep, I toss and turn 
Candle sticks in the dark, visions of bodies being burned 
Four walls just staring at a nigga 
I'm paranoid, sleeping with my finger on the trigger 
My mother's always stressing I ain't living right 
But I ain't going out without a fight 
See, everytime my eyes close 
I start sweatin, and blood starts comin out my nose 
It's somebody watchin' the ak' 
But I don't know who it is, so I'm watchin my back 
I can see him when I'm deep in the covers 
When I awake I don't see the motherf****r 
He owns a black hat like I own 
A black suit and a cane like my own 
Some might say "take a chill, b" 
But f*** that sh**, there's a nigga trying to kill me 
I'm pumping in the clip when the wind blows 
Every twenty seconds got me peeping out my window 
Investigating the joint for traps 
Checking my telephone for taps 
I'm staring at the woman on the corner 
It's f***ed up when your mind is playing tricks on you 
Verse two: willie d [ Lyrics from: http://www.lyrics
I make big money, I drive big cars 
Everybody know me, it's like I'm a movie star 
But late at night, somethin ain't right 
I feel I'm being tailed by the same sucker's head lights 
Is it that fool that I ran off the block 
Or is it that nigga last week that I shot 
Or is it the one I beat for five thousand dollars 
Thought he had 'caine but it was gold medal flour 
Reach under my seat, grabbed my popper for the suckers 
Ain't no use to be lying, I was scareder than a mother*****r 
But they're laughing at pow pies and buried that quick 
If it's going down let's get this shit over with 
Here they come, just like I figured 
I got my hand on the mother**cking trigger 
What I saw'll make your ass start giggling 
Three black, crippled and crazy senior citizens 
I live by the sword 
I take my boys everywhere I go 
Because I'm paranoid 
I keep looking over my shoulder and peeping around corners 
My mind is playing tricks on me 
Verse three: scarface 
Day by day it's more impossible to cope 
I feel like I'm the one that's doing dope 
Can't keep a steady hand because I'm nervous 
Every sunday morning I'm in service 
Praying for forgiveness 
And trying to find an exit out of the business 
I know the lord is looking at me 
But yet and still it's hard for me to feel happy 
I often drift while I drive 
Havin fatal thoughts of suicide 
Bang and get it over with 
And then I'm worry-free, but that's bullshit 
I got a little boy to look after 
And if I died then my child would be a bastard 
I had a woman down with me 
But to me it seemed like she was down to get me 
She helped me out in this sh**
But to me she was just another b**** 
Now she's back with her mother 
Now I'm realizing that I love her 
Now I'm feeling lonely 
My mind is playing tricks on me 
Verse four: bushwick bill 
This year halloween fell on a weekend 
Me and geto boyz are trick-or-treating 
Robbing little kids for bags 
Till an old man got behind our ass 
So we speeded up the pace 
Took a look back and he was right before our face 
We'd be in for a squab' no doubt 
So I swung and hit the nigga in his mouth
He was going down, we figured 
But this was no ordinary nigga 
He stood about six or seven feet 
Now, that's the nigga I'd been seeing in my sleep 
So we triple-teamed on him 
Dropping them motherf***** b's on him 
The more I swung the more blood flew 
Then he disappeared and my boys disappeared, too 
Then I felt just like a fiend 
It wasn't even close to halloween 
It was dark as f*** on the streets 
My hands were all bloody from punching on the concrete 
God damn, homie 
My mind is playing tricks on me

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