FURIOUS

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

One of the emotions that I feel every single day at some point is complete rage.  I usually don't let it last for more than a few minutes and it always just creeps up on me and smacks me in the face.  Either I will see an email in my work inbox from a certain person, or I will hear their name in conversation, or I will think about a time in the future where I will have to see them.  There are certain interactions that I had since Max died, that if I think about at all - all I feel is FURY!  I often fantasize about telling you exactly what was said and by whom so that you might feel a bit of rage towards these people as well.  Sometimes I want them to be outcast and treated like dirt, the way they treated me like dirt when my baby died.  But, then I don't sell them out because 1) one of them already called the cops on me for something I posted on this blog that they found threatening, just truly wasn't....in fact, you can read it yourself by clicking here and 2) It wouldn't really get me anywhere.  It would just be a way to try and hurt them as much as they hurt me.  There are about ten of these people whose actions stand out to me...that are a heavy part of my PTSD...that I can hardly stand thinking about.  When their actions or words cross my mind at all, I literally have to shake them off and force myself to think about something else.  If I think about these people at all, I get completely worked up so much so that my whole body shakes.  The truth is that MOST people in our lives have done their very best.  Most people, even if they have accidentally hurt my feelings, even if it has happened more than once - I know that it has been an accident.  But, these ten or so people - I almost wonder if they have gone out of their way somehow to hurt me.  None of these people I am talking about has lost a child.  All of these people in fact have living, healthy children (except two - who will likely one day have children, just don't yet).  I worry about the next time I will see one of them - will I run into them in the market or somehow have to interact with them for work or see them at a family function?  What will I say?  Will I confront them?  Will I just smile and pretend like I have forgotten the horrible way that they treated me and/or Ted in our most devastated and vulnerable hours?  Until then, I just try to shove the feelings down as much as possible and change my thoughts to something else when I can.  I don't have a huge selection of positive things to turn my thoughts to since Max died and I can't just think about Mo only all of my waking hours but, still, I try not to think of these people because it just gets me angry.  I am trying really hard to be as positive as possible.  I am trying really hard to be a pillar of strength and move on with my life as positively as possible.  Still, I can't help but wonder and feel enraged!  How can people be so insensitive and cruel?  What is wrong with people? And, what makes me even more mad is that MOST of these people are people that I have gone out of my way to support!  People that I have defended, and praised and gone to bat for time and time again.

Whether or not I had ever lost Max, I would NEVER, EVER treat someone else the way that these people have treated us.  NEVER!  To treat a person going through hell with anything less than compassion is despicable.  I have never felt so much rage in my whole life as I have since Max died.  What I feel most furious about though is that Max, is gone.  I am just totally effing out of my mind FURIOUS about it.  So, I leave you with that as I face yet another day of this "new normal" NIGHTMARE of mine: my life without Max!

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

To be vengeful & hateful serves no purpose. In order to move forward you have to forgive those that have caused you harm, then and only then will you make true progress in your grief. All your doing is hurting yourself in your attempt to hurt others.

Marla said...

I am so so sorry Abby. There are so many insensitive people out there. People you would never ever expect. But I guess its true what they say that when the chips are down, you find out who your real friends are. Doesn't make it any better. Its like adding salt to an already horrific, festering wound. People can sometimes really suck. I totally get it....

SadMama said...

My father died when I was young. My mother died 3 years ago. I've missed my parents every day since. However, nothing comes close to the despair from losing a child.


I just don't think people who haven't experienced this have even the remotest clue just how cataclysmic and devastating it is in every aspect of our being. It is without question the worst tragedy any parent can ever experience and yet people minimize it after a very short time. It's truly amazing and puts us in an awkward position of being expected to act "okay" even though our world can never be okay without our child.
I imagine that some people may not have meant to hurt you and had no idea how cruel their behavior felt to you. But, I understand and cannot forget some of the awful things that people said to me (such as - "You'll see...this will all work out for the best!" ..and this was said with a big smile, the day after my son died!!)

Anonymous said...

Vengeance & hatefulness is a horrible quality. In order to progress in your grief you first have to forgive those that have hurt you (whether they meant to or not). You will NEVER move forward if you continue to blame others. I see that you post some comments but omit others, how cowardly.You use this blog as a forum to cast judgement on others but I guess its not ok for an outsider to express/cast their judgement on you or the things you blog about. I'm sure my comment isn't the first that you decided you didn't like.

Anonymous said...

I lost my 23 day old son in June of 2012 and totally get it. I am more rageful than I ever dreamed possible and often at no one in particular. But you are so right...its the rage that is the loss of your baby. And you are entitled. Rage away. You have company. Love, Nicole

Jenny Romanowski said...

Anonymous..Vengeance and Hatefulness.. Who the hell are you??? Are you out of your mind? You talk about forgiveness..from you post you know nothing about this subject! Your comments actually turned my stomach and caused anger and hatefulness in me! Your spreading like a disease! People like you take humanity out of being human! Abby went through things very few us would wish on our worst enemy. She has earned a right to feel how ever she feels! Who are you to tell her how or when or who she should forgive! It is sad and audacious of you to think you can! This is her blog started for the most tragic reasons possible. She can write whatever she wants here. You should go read the Inquirer you mind seems challenged!
Abby ignore ignorant people like this one! They will not be where Maxie is or the rest of us are going! They are soulless individuals wasting their time judging others because they have no reflections of their own to see!
All my love and prayers are with you and your boys! Heal however it takes it is all yours

Blog Design by Nudge Media Design | Powered by Blogger