Bracing myself

Maxie's second birthday is on Sunday and I am bracing myself.  I have been anxious about it for weeks.  The subject even started the very biggest fight Ted and I have ever been in.  I won't get into the details of it, but trust me, it was bad.  Thank god we both are smart enough to know that our anger wasn't really at each other but at our situation.  Our anger is that instead of figuring out whether we should get a bouncy house or have pony rides or what kind of ice cream cake to order, we are trying to decide who is coming to the cemetery with us and if we want to release balloons or butterflies.  It actually makes me completely sick.  The second birthday is the first birthday that kids have where they can actually appreciate the presents and the attention and the sing the birthday song.  I couldn't wait for Maxie to be two years old, even when he was only 2 months old.  And, yes, I know about the terrible twos.  But, oh lord - aren't they SO cute at two years old?  Maxie would have been the cutest two year old.  And, I hate (hate, hate, hate, hate) saying that I miss him because missing is what you do when you go on a business trip or your kid goes away to college.  Missing is what you do in between the times that you get to spend with the one you love.  I miss Ted when he is at work.  I missed Maxie when he went to sleep at night.  What I feel is not missing.  I ACHE for him...I LONG for him...I am beside myself with the need to be with him and I can't be EVER AGAIN IN MY WHOLE LIFE.  And, what makes it so much harder is that his life was cut short.  Nobody even remembers their first nine months of life...and that is all he had.  And, my boys are so alike.  Imagine the fun they would have growing up together, not even two years apart.  The Leviss boys would be tearing up the town, making their momma crazy, getting dirty, having so much fun together.  Mo will never have Max and Max will never have Mo.  It is mind boggling and heartbreaking for me every moment of every day.  I am bracing myself because Sunday should be Maxie's second birthday.  October 7th is a sacred day for me ...the day I gave birth to my sweet boy.  My life forever changed on that beautiful day.  My insides hurt.  My heart actually HURTS.  Sometimes it is all really too much and I don't know how we are doing this.