I was wild about Maxie!  WILD!  Like, he actually drove me totally wild with love.  If you are a mom, you know what I mean.  Looking at or thinking about him made my blood pump and my heart quicken.  His smell, his face, his sweetness, his chubby thighs - I could literally eat him up!  It finally makes sense why my pet hamster did exactly that with her children (she ate them up - right in front of my face).  There is something that happens - pheromones? - that connects a mother and child.  It is way better even than romantic love.  And it is different from other deep loves as well.  I mean, I was nuts about my Grandma Mare, but looking at her didn't make the blood pump out of my veins (though she did smell pretty good - white linen or something).  But, oh my god, even thinking about Maxie now....his cuteness - makes me CRAZY.  I covered his face in kisses throughout his waking hours.  When Ted would come home at night, I would tell him "I LOVE THAT BABY!"  Holy cow - our love was deep!

I am also WILD about Mo!  His smell is one thousand times better than even a preteen whiff of Adam Glickman's polo cologne (Camp Ramah, summer of 1984).   My lips are permanently planted on his cheeks.  His little rolls send me over the moon.  When he sits up on the couch like a big boy, I feel like I've died and gone to heaven.  When he smiles at me, I feel the most important, valuable person in the world.  When Ted comes home at night, I gush about Mozy.  "I LOVE THAT BABY!" I hear myself saying.....and then I feel stupid and guilty for a minute.

My love means nothing.  My love didn't save my baby.  My love was mocked.  And, the worst, am I betraying Maxie by loving Mo THIS much?  The guilt is enough to eat me alive (hamster style times a thousand million).  I know it is ridiculous, I know it doesn't make sense.  That's probably why the deep pain of it only lasts a minute.  But, I carry it all to some extent throughout my days and nights. Am I allowed to love this baby that deeply?  Is god making fun of me?  If I love him a little less, will he escape the curse?  But, I can't love him less!  I couldn't even if I wanted to because of those pheromones and because he is completely and totally awesome!  I mean, PLEASE - just look at him!  Don't you want to grab a cheek and eat it for dinner?


Taryn said...

He is amazing! Peace and love wrapped in an absolutely perfect little package.

I'm behind in my blog commenting, but I just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers right now! Sending hugs!

jessica said...

Baby Mo is perfect and amazing! I'll take the cheek and those chubby rolls on his perfect arms! None of what you are feeling is ridiculous and I think it does make sense, but I know that you can love both of your boys to the moon and back. There is room in that wonderful heart of yours for both of your perfect and amazing boys! Loving Mo completely and totally, with everything that you have, is not a betrayal of Maxie. In fact, it is a testament to the love and bond that you have with Maxie that you would choose to love so completely again, that you would wade through your despair and grief and still be able to give Baby Mo those thousands of kisses and cuddles and smiles and total love. Your boys are lucky to have their incredibly Mommy and Daddy. I love the four of you very, very much. My heart and thoughts are with you this week as always. I will pay tribute to your beautiful Maxie on Sunday and send you all of my love and strength. xoxo

Cathy in Missouri said...

Yes - dinner! And who wouldn't?

The way you write - I eat that up, too. I love the way you express yourself. All of it. The happy, the sad, the good, the bad. I love that you keep writing about Maxie and that you don't hold back from saying everything you feel.

I hope you keep going. The hamsters were priceless.

Cathy in Missouri

sharee said...

those are really amazing cheeks!