My Pictures and Videos

When Maxie was alive, we took lots of photos of him.  I wanted to remember all of his moments and looks as he grew.  I wanted to share him as much as possible with his Gigi and Papa, his Auntie Beth and Cousin Sadie on the east coast.  I wanted to have lots of memories to show him when he got older.  Thank god for all of the photos we took, they are all I have left of our baby boy.  I kick myself every day for not taking more videos.  I can't figure out why we didn't...I mean, our phones have video cameras on them these days!  What the hell were we thinking?  Certainly not that our baby would die....

I am taking lots of photos and videos of Mo.  I want to remember every minute, I want to share him with his East Coast family, I want to show him when he grows up how cute he was when he was little.  I also want to make sure I capture every smile, every funny face, every playful interaction, every snuggle, every THING so that if I lost him (god forbid) I would remember all of these things.  I know you don't approve and you don't want to hear it.  But, every time I take a photo or a video of Mo, I think, "I will want to remember this in case we lose him too".  My phone and camera are quickly filling up.  I feel like I can't delete any of his pictures...if I do and I lose him, I won't be able to get the pictures back.  It is one of the many neuroses brought on by losing my son.  I worry that I don't have enough images of other people in my life too - Ted, my mom, my dad, my brother.  If they die, will I forget how they held their glass or how they couldn't carry a tune?  Will I forget their laugh?  Will I forget their voice?  There isn't a hard drive big enough for all that I need to document.

Ted and I have always sort of made fun of the people that video everything.  You know...those people in line at Disneyland who have their camera and are videoing the line, the ride, their snacks.  They are all over Costa Rica and other vacation spots, videoing the van ride to the zip line place, videoing the zip line, videoing lunch afterwards.  I get it now....even though I don't think they are making "in case someone in this video dies" videos.  I get it, even though those "in case someone in this video dies" are the kind of videos and picture I take.