All of these thoughts about birthdays is making me think about the fact that this is a big year amongst my friends.  Even though I am only turning 39 (I am such a spring chicken), most of my friends are turning 40....except my young husband, who is only turning 38 (I am a cougar).  Can you believe that we are getting so old?  So, what will I do about all of the raging 40th birthday parties this year?  I mean, I'd kind of like to go to one or two.  Will I bring Mo?  I've got some pretty understanding friends, but I'm not sure that is going to fly.  Will I go solo, leaving Ted at home with Mo and a bunch of breastmilk?  Will I even be able to relax and have fun?  I haven't had fun...real fun in almost 15 months.  Crazy...because fun used to be the thing that I was best at.  I always imagined that my own 40th birthday would be a BLOW-----OUT!  An awesome DJ dance party (the best kind of party).  I still can't imagine ever dancing again though.  UGH!  I can't push myself to move any quicker through this grief than I am moving....but I'd like to get my groove on at some of these parties....or at least at my own!


Rebecca Patrick-Howard said...

You go out and have yourself some fun! We haven't been out, other than to the occasional concert (and at our concerts, we're usually the youngest people there) and the movies in more than 3 years. it is VERY hard to relax when we're gone but it gets a little easier each time.

melindac40 said...

The thing about grief is that you cannot push it any faster. As vicious and awful and utterly agonizing as it is, all you can do is wade through it. Everyone thinks they know that one thing to say to make it better. Maybe they just hope they do. It is hard to watch the ones you love suffer and feel so helpless. It is hard to know that while your life moves forward theirs does not. It is all so unbelievably unfair. But this turning 40 thing, this having fun? It will happen. When you least expect it, it will happen. A first you will feel guilty. It will feel so wrong. It will feel like somehow you are being disrespectful to your darling boy who was cheated out of so much. But slowly you will find your way. You will because you have the best possible guide. Maxie is leading you there.

I am so sorry.

Greg Heller said...

I might be first to the big 4-0. Hard to believe. Would love to see Team Leviss at my party - Mo is welcome. But if not, whatever. I'm just happy you're still here. Love you guys.