The walking dead

I've been extra sad this week.  I'm not sure you would know it if you spent time with me.  I've gotten pretty good at acting "normal".  Something about this deep sadness though makes it nearly impossible for me to concentrate on anything for more than a couple of minutes.  This was how I felt all last year - together with totally not acting normal, deep depression, complete exhaustion, and deep dark thoughts about the meaning (or rather, lack of meaning) of life - that other stuff is still there but the Zoloft seems to have dissipated it somewhat.  When I feel this kind of sadness, I am searching constantly for the thing that is going to calm my soul.  I am currently reading about 4 books, they are all on my iphone kindle and I flip back and forth through them all day long.  I think maybe television will help divert my attention but it is all so vapid, I can't handle it.  Mo does a pretty good job of keeping me occupied, but then he goes to sleep and I am back in the sadness again.

I've got a few things on my calendar that I am looking forward to that I hope will help.  My friend from Israel, Ofir, is coming to California for work in a couple of weeks.  We have been friends for almost 20 years and his family is like my family so I am looking forward to visiting with him and introducing him to Mo.  I am going to a conference with my aunt for a day in Pasadena in a few weeks.  It isn't an afterlife conference, but the medium (John Holland) who was at our afterlife conference will be there and that should be exciting.  In fact, that's pretty much the reason I am going.  Ted has to babysit that day, all day, so we are working on getting Mo to take a bottle.  He really has no idea what to do with it most of the time unless I am the one giving it to him....which sort of defeats the purpose.  Also, Ted and I are going to Seattle to visit our friends Eowyn and Greg, and Kyle and Mandy for my birthday at the beginning of November.  It is good to be able to look forward to things again but nearly impossible to look much further than next month - although yesterday, I did send Greg a text telling him that I might be up for Passover again this year with a few changes in the guest list.  We'll see about it.  He's not holding me to it.  I am learning to live with this soul crushing sadness and it sort of scares me to even know that it is possible to live with this much go through my days interacting with people as though my insides are not totally dead and ashy.  It makes me wonder how many other people I encounter are walking around like me.


Jayden's Mommy said...

I'm excellent at acting normal. Very few people know that I feel so dead inside. At least I feel very incomplete. Like my heart has a hole and i feel air going thru it, it hurts. I do miss been able to concentrate on things more than a few minutes. Maybe its the weather; maybe its just our reality. Know Abby that here in the east coast I think of you and your forever Maxie. Mo is a shadow of what Im looking forward in the very near future. He is so cute. O my goodness. My little man will be here so soon and I need that distraction. Kira

Bianca said...

I am so sorry for all of the pain and grief and sadness. It sounds like such a heavy weight, just soul crushing like you wrote. Most of all I am so sorry that Max is not here living the beautiful, rich life he deserves. xx

SadMama said...

"When I feel this kind of sadness, I am searching constantly for the thing that is going to calm my soul. " Exactly. We lovingly and tenderly constructed our beautiful family with every ounce of our energy and devotion for the past 24+ years. Our two children were always the central pillars and the joy in our lives. Everything changed in a heartbeat and we now feel homeless, rootless, and like you, searching for that which will calm our souls and bring us peace. It is a constant feeling of restlessness that nothing can satisfy.
I look forward to reading about your experience with the medium. It would be so exciting to feel that Max somehow is able to communicate with you.