Max on my mind

I've only got Max on my mind.  He is really all I think about.  Even when I am talking to you about something else entirely, I am thinking about Max.  Whenever Mo sleeps, I am reading about grief or someone's philosophical musings on the meaning of life or people's near death experiences.  I am writing to other bereaved parents or reading their blogs - I think, if they can do this, so can I!  It's funny, because people who aren't doing this write me all of the time to say that they could never handle losing their child.  But, if I can do this, so could you.  It isn't like I chose this - it was handed to me.  I don't want to be the woman that former friends now avoid.  I don't want to be the woman who cries whenever her baby naps.  I don't want to be the person whose baby died.  But, I am.  And, I am going crazy without him.  I have never ever imagined in my whole life that I could feel this alone.  I never imagined feeling this sad.  Max lit up my life!  Max taught me the meaning of unconditional love.  He set my heart soaring whenever I thought of him.  He was wonderful and joyful and sweet and so cute!  Mo definitely has eased the loneliness.  He makes me smile.  He is my constant companion.  He stares into my eyes and I can feel his love shining into my soul.  I had the same thing with Max and I can't believe my love for him was not enough to keep him here with me.

I miss you Max.  I love you so much my chest hurts.  Life without you is so unbelievably hard.  Without Mo and Daddy, I just don't even know if there would be anything to smile about anymore.  I would give anything to have you here with me, my monkey.  I am always praying that we will be together again.  I can't wait for our reunion - imagine how wonderful it will be!  I love you to the moon and back my baby.

XOXO - Mommy


Rebecca Patrick-Howard said...

I'm sorry, Abby. :-(

Leslie K. said...

Max was blessed to have been be so deeply and completely loved by his mommy during his short stay on this earth. What a gift to be loved so absolutely.

SadMama said...

I have almost exactly the same experience missing my 23 year old son who died 19 weeks ago. He is in my thoughts every second of every day. It's so painful to miss someone so intensely.
I've added your blog to the site that I've created since my son died:
You'll find blogs, websites, videos, and articles by and for bereaved parents and siblings. I started assembling all the blogs for my own comfort, but I realized that it could be a one-stop reading place for other bereaved parents to find company.

melindac40 said...

I am so so sorry. There is nothing more I can offer beyond my sorrow. And my prayers for your healing. I pray in time you know healing.