Nightmares

Every night for the past week, I have had terrible nightmares.  Every single one of those nights, I have had multiple terrible nightmares.  They are the same dreams that I had right after Max died and then sporadically throughout last year.  In the dreams, I lose Max.  I misplace him, or he runs away, or his carseat goes missing with him in it.....or one million other scenarios.  Throughout the dream, I am panicked that I can't find my little boy.  Most of the time, I end up finding him - about to be killed or cooked or hung or something out of this world terrible.  Then I save him and hug him and kiss and him and cry.  Then I wake up and remember that I've actually lost Max - that I didn't save him and that there is no hope of saving him.  That he is gone forever and I will never see him again in this life. I am not sure how the brain processes information exactly but I can hardly take much more of it.  I spend much of my mornings, and the periods where I am awake nursing Mo, reliving the painful dreams and then trying to make sense of the fact that my reality is actually worse.  It's all a complete nightmare.