Keeping busy

Remember I said I'd be getting out with Mo?  Well, we've been getting out a little and it's been good for us.

First we went to a Baby and Me Yoga class.  It was making me nervous just thinking about it.  I used to take Maxie to Baby and Me Yoga starting when he was only 6 weeks old.  It was something I looked forward to every week.  But, I remembered that we used to go around the room and say how many children we had and what their ages were and I didn't want to do that again!  Even though I was going to a different studio now, I worried that they would do the same thing.  I was sort of praying that I'd get there and be the only one in the class.  Anyway, turns out that I really AM good at manifesting stuff!  Mo and I got a private Baby and Me Yoga class with the most wonderful and compassionate teacher.  I told her about Maxie and we worked on working out my anger and grief.  It was fabulous.  The fact that she had her beautiful standard poodle with her was a total bonus.  "There are no accidents", she told me.  My mom has had 3 standard poodles.  They are a sign of family to me.

We also took a baby carrier dance class this weekend with my friend Carly and her baby Gavin.

If you know me, you know I LOVE dance routines.  My cousin and I even choreographed a surprise routine to "I Love LA" for Ted and my wedding.  We taught all of my girlfriends the day before Ted arrived in Costa Rica and performed it "flash mob" style during the reception.  It sounds a little cooler than it was.  (Speaking of which, does anyone still have a video of our rehearsal?  There was one on my Facebook page but now that I am no longer on Facebook I don't have it anymore).

Anyway, I don't even have to say much about the class, just check out the insane video.  You can see that we were on fire!  That's Mo and I in the back.

I guess I feel it's important for me to write about the lighter moments as well as the heavier moments...because grief is not linear or only just one way.  Neither is life.  There are ups and downs and we are on the biggest roller coaster ride I could have ever imagined.  I know that there are other bereaved parents that read my blog and I am grateful that you are here.  I know if you are in early grief, you probably can't even imagine having the light moments - I didn't have light moments for almost a year...and they are still infrequent.  I want you to know that they will come.  You don't have to believe me, because it is totally unbelievable...but they will come.  If you are further along - like where I am now, you probably feel incredibly guilty for ever having light moments.  You probably worry that people think you have forgotten your baby because you are laughing.  You know you haven't - couldn't - wouldn't want to - even for a minute.  It just isn't possible.  While I feel so guilty having light moments, I want them for you.  If I want them for you, shouldn't I be as compassionate with myself to want them for me too?  If you have been reading my blog and hoping for lighter moments for me, please work on having them for yourself too.  Life is too hard otherwise....and SLOW.

I wish for you lightness, laughter, joyful moments, poodles and dance routines.  Perhaps the meaning of life is just that simple.