Another 30 days....weight loss challenge is back on

Our 30 day weight loss challenge is officially over and most everyone "enjoyed" it so much that we are going for another 30 days (if you want to get in on the second round - email me at teddyabby at gmail dot com).  Many people did really great.  I am so glad that I was able to help kick start that for our group.  Unfortunately, I mostly feel defeated and demoralized.  While I stuck to a strict 1200 calorie a day diet and worked out 6 days a week, I only "lost" one pound (am still a couple of pounds heavier than I was only a few months ago).  And, I know, I know.....in the spectrum of my life, being 15-20 pounds overweight isn't the biggest challenge I am facing.  I guess I just feel like I would like an ounce of control somewhere in my life.  I wish I could at least look in the mirror and recognize the person staring back at me.  The person I see these days is sad and heavy and missing everything that was once "me".  I hate it.  And, I hate working so hard to stay exactly the same.  I am not asking for sympathy - since I already have used that card way up for the really important grief in my life - but maybe I am asking for some tips, advice, support?  Has anyone else had this issue after having a baby?  After having Maxie, I was training for a bike ride - I followed the Weight Watchers plan perfectly and rode in the mountains of Griffith Park for an hour about 4 days a week and lost nothing.  Is it simply hormones?  Is there anything at all that can be done?  Beth, my sister-in-law, recommended a book called "The Hormone Cure", which sounds great and I bought it for my Kindle.  I feel like getting back to myself physically would do wonders for boosting my self-confidence but I am running out of energy to keep working this hard.

By the way - I am so grateful for so many beautiful notes of encouragement and love yesterday, on Mo's nine and a half month birthday.  We enjoyed a very nice day with him.  I can't say that I feel completely relieved but I feel grateful for him (he's so perfect!) and for your support. So, thank you!

Time, Dates and Anniversaries

All of the really intuitive people I have spoken to over the twenty one and half months have tried to explain to me that time doesn't matter or exist "on the other side".  It is a concept that I have a hard time wrapping my brain around on this side of the veil, as time seems to be the only thing that matters most days - and I'm not talking about simple time, as I once knew it: Time to get up, time for Mo's naps, time for work, time for lunch, time for bed.....I'm talking about the really complicated passage of time and its markings.

In the really early days of my grief, I would stare at the clock.  The minutes went by like hours, the days like years.  I had all of the time in the world - to sit in my own personal hell, rotting from the inside out, starting with my heart and moving out to all of my extremities.  Time was killing me.  I would get through the days by creating markers - Time for a certain show (usually something about death or the afterlife - ie: The Long Island Medium or that show about near death experiences), Time for Ted to get home from work, Time for a visit with some kind friend....Time for things I had tried to plan in advance - Beth's marathon, Maxie's benefit, a trip to Mexico with Ted, attending a conference in Phoenix where I met so many others just like me.

Time was marked that year by anniversaries and empty holidays - Maxie's first birthday without him, Halloween - would have been his second, Thanksgiving, skipping every other holiday that he didn't get to celebrate with us.  Time was also marked by how long it had been since the last time I was with him  - nothing to look forward to except more empty days and nightmares all night.  It was no way to live and yet, that was our life.  We were clinging the this hope - the little boy growing (BIG) inside of me....trying to keep our fears at bay - not doing a great job most of the time (speaking for myself).

And then a whole year had passed.  THE LONGEST YEAR OF MY LIFE - and somehow, also the shortest.  I still can't believe that happened....that I got through that whole first year.  Even if I barely left the house, I am amazed at my strength.  I can't believe how our marriage survived - because it was hard...but I am proud that we gave each other the space to do whatever we needed to do for ourselves, even though most of the time we could not do much of anything for one another.  Oh my lord - I cannot believe people get through these things.  I can tell you and tell you and tell you how hard this was and you will never understand.  Complete hell.

And, then little Mo was born, only two days after the anniversary of his brother's passing.  What a gift he is!  He is the most special person in my life.  We are obsessed.  Time passes so much quicker with him here....but time is still always ticking away and being counted in ways I never would have thought of.

Maxie's second birthday without him.  Holidays celebrated again - without him - sometimes with people who understand the pain of "celebrating" without our son; sometimes with people who don't.  As time goes on, there will be less and less mention of his name, less and less understand of the important role he plays in our lives.

I've been counting down to THIS day since the day Mo was born.  Today Mo is nine and a half months.  He is currently taking the nap during which his brother stopped breathing.  I believe he will wake up from his nap - I believe it with all of my heart.  And, then, I believe he will turn ten months old, and then a year old.  I believe we will have a party for him - and watch him smash cake in his face.  I believe we will feel overwhelming joy watching him grow up while we continue to shove down intense and enormous amounts of pain every day - while we count down the days until we get to be with Maxie again.

It has been almost two years since the last time I kissed and hugged and sang to my lovely boy....and time is what keeps tripping me up.  Has it only been that long?  It feels like another lifetime.  I miss him so intently - it still feels like it could swallow me up alive and kill me.  Can it be that it has been THAT long?  It feels like I was holding him yesterday, my nose buried deep in his neck -trying to smell up all of his sweetness.  

Ironically, today is International Bereaved Mother's Day.  I feel connected at my soul to all of you other mothers and fathers (and other grievers) who count time the way I now do - with sad dates and lonely anniversaries and complex feeling holidays. I wish all of you a "Mo" - whether is it another child, a grandchild, a godchild, a friend, a spouse, a love of some sort - to help you get through the time, the dates and the anniversaries.  I know how complicated it is.  I am sorry.

"The people who you lost feel like they just left you yesterday and will see you tomorrow", said the first medium I ever spoke to.  Though that sounded abstract to me when I first heard it, I realize these days that this is how I feel.

Maxie - I do feel like I was just with you yesterday and I feel every day like I might see you tomorrow.  I look forward to the "time" when time doesn't matter - likely not in this lifetime....  I love you little boy.....ALWAYS AND FOREVER - to the moon and back!!!!  A thousand times...

and I hear your little brother starting to whimper - just getting up from the first nap of the day on his 9 1/2 month birthday.

Mo and Mommy

Accepting and stop expecting

In the earliest days of my grief, I wanted to share my agony with everyone.  Let me rephrase - I NEEDED to share it with everyone.  I couldn't think of anything else and when people would try to distract me - it actually annoyed me.  I wondered how anyone thought gossip or talks about the weather or work could distract me from the fact that my baby had died.  I still wonder if people actually think there is ever a moment I am not keenly aware of my own loss.  If you are reading here, you probably already know that there isn't.  Max is always with me.  Anyway, if you couldn't sit and talk to me about Max, I really couldn't sit with you....so, if I did sit with you then, it was probably because I had to for whatever reason.  I have lots of memories of being in rooms full of people who were chatting with each other while I sat or laid on the couch staring at the walls, impossible to tune in to anything other than my acute pain.  It was actually painful - meaning, I felt physical pain - being with people who wanted to act like nothing had happened.  I couldn't wait to get away from them and find a dark place to be alone and cry.  Another bereaved mother told me that she would lock herself in the closet at work so she could cry throughout the day.  I get that.

Ted and I were talking about how things have changed last night.  Whereas, at one point it was just impossible for me to meet people where they were, it is becoming my default.  I am very careful about letting people in.  It is too painful to have people dismiss our loss, change the subject, or act like it never happened.  Lately we have a little litmus test with people - if they ask how we are or ask about Ted's tattoos and then quickly change the subject or act uncomfortable when we answer honestly, we know not to let them in.  Instead, we just focus on them.  We ask them all about their lives - their children, their jobs, their gossip and drama.  We don't let the conversation really come back to us - except for maybe some superficial general parenting stuff.  It's just easier that way.  We realize that most people really don't want to hear how we are actually doing.  Many of them just tell us how we are doing - like this family friend who now says to me, everytime she sees me, "I'm so glad to see that things are GREAT with you guys!".  I just nod.  I mean, why bother really?

This time last year, I could never have imagined being able to turn on my autopilot and do the robot thing.  I am so glad that it is an ability that finally came back.  We are happier not letting people in for the most part.  It's much less disappointing than expecting people to say "I am sorry".  As Ted said last night, it's nearly impossible for people to say those three simple words.  I spent lots of time wondering WHY...now I just accept it and don't expect it. 

Faith and validation

Yesterday Mo and I had lunch with one of my favorite JNF donors (JNF - Jewish National Fund - the organization I work for....www.jnf.org - read all about it!).  After lunch, she took us to meet with her rabbi.  You see, I've been SEARCHING for answers and meaning and guidance all over the place.  I figured it was time to start looking within my own faith.  My donors' rabbi is a pretty well-known and well respected man.  People really love him - I figured it would be a good place to start.  So, we caravanned out to Pacific Palisades to his synagogue and met in his office. 

I think it was an important meeting for me and it will probably take a few days to absorb it all.  We covered a lot of topics in a short amount of time.  I told him I was in crisis - that the loss of Max has been for me a loss of faith - in god, in humanity!  "How could it not be?", was his response.  I told him that I have seen healers, and grief counselors, and more mediums than I even care to admit.  "Know of any good ones?", he asked- about the mediums.  Apparently, he has seen a few himself (WHAT?????!!!!  Awesome!) I told him that I am angry and hurt and that people say stupid things.  "People are assholes". he replied.  I think I like this rabbi.

What I really wanted to know was the bottom line with regard to the Jewish idea of life after death.  He assured me that within all streams of Judiasm, there is a strong belief in "Olam Haba" (the world to come).  As he spoke, it came flooding back to me.  How did I forget about this teaching?  It just isn't the emphasis of modern Judaism - but it is there, and there is a lot written about it (now to buy every book on the subject).  We spoke about his personal beliefs and he told me that he KNOWS there is life after this physical one.  How did he know? - I asked.  Like, REALLY, how does he know?  He knows because of his faith in Jewish teachings.  He knows because he has had experiences with mediums and people having deathbed visions, and encounters with those who've had near death experiences, and because he has had unexplainable experiences and because he has read countless books by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and others that describe a connection with life after death that we have a habit of explaining away.  He believes for all of the reasons that I am looking to believe.  Sounds like we've read many of the same books.  He said he "KNOWS" - I want to use that word one day too.

"You lost your son less than two years ago", he explained, "it has been a minute."  And it's true.....I feel like Max was here in my arms yesterday!  I told him that recently someone close to me said that I should be "done" with anger.  He assured me that my rage is normal and that it would be stranger if I were not angry.  He said that sometimes he thinks insensitive people are placed in our lives when we are in crisis so that we have a place to focus our anger.  I thought that was funny (funny because it's true....).  Through the years he has worked with many bereaved parents and something we all have in common is that people underestimate the depths of our grief.  "It is the worst kind of loss there is", he said over and over.  His best friend lost her only child more than ten years ago.  Today, her whole life is devoted to helping other parents in grief.  There is even a support group that meets monthly in his office.

I asked him if he believed there was meaning in Max's death.  "What kind of meaning do you think there would be?", he asked me.  I explained that people always tell me things like, "God only gives us what we can handle" and "Max died so that you could become a more compassionate person" and "His death was so that you could fulfill a greater purpose".  It is A LOT of pressure.  My son died!!!! - I sure as hell hope it wasn't because my character was so flawed that I needed it to happen for some reason.  I already WAS a good person.  I was a better person before he died than I am now!  My entire adult life has been devoted to causes greater than myself.  Where is the meaning?  He said he doesn't feel that these things happen for a purpose.  He thinks that the human body is frail and that accidents happen - people die in car accidents, or their lives are taken by bad people, or their bodies simply fail.  There can be meaning only in the lives of survivors and it is up to us what kind of meaning we give it.  I couldn't agree more.  It's all too much pressure when I am just trying to get through each day with as much joy and purpose as possible.  Most days my purpose is just to make Mo smile and to make Teddy dinner.  That just has to be enough for now.

It was a validating meeting.  I felt heard and understood.  He was kind and wise and spoke a familiar language that resonated with me.  Faith is important.  I see how it helps others in my situation and I have been longing for a connection to faith to help me in mine.  I am circling back....listening for a familiar language....looking for the connections that can help me live with this loss....and for those who validate what we are going through - the good, the bad, the ugly.  

Even playing field

The way I see it, we are all on an even playing field when it comes to the end of our days. I realize that some of us are in great health and others are not. I am not saying that health is evenly distributed - it certainly is not. But, someone with a terminal illness could live 10 more years and their spouse could die tomorrow in a car crash. My grandmother lived to be in her nineties and her great grandson only lived nine months. My father's father lived until 73. My father, approaching that age in a few years, worries that his time will end then- because his father's did. But I could go before he does, as my son went before me. There is no way of knowing. There are no guarantees. I'm trying to just come to peace with all that because I was SUPPOSED to go before Max. I would rather not outlive anyone else but chances are, I will.

If Mo were on Maxie's schedule

This morning I took Mo to the pediatrician for his nine month appointment.  He is 30 1/2 inches long and 21 pounds.  He looks great, she said.  This appointment comes at the exact same timing that Max's nine month appointment did - exactly one week after his nine month birthday.  If Mo were on Max's schedule, he would stop breathing on Sunday and Tuesday would be our last day with him.  If Mo were on Maxie's schedule, these would be my last days with him.  I'm furious about losing Max - completely out of my mind furious.

I spoke to my great-aunt Harriet a couple of weeks ago.  She is also a bereaved mother.  I was telling her how I feel like I am going a little crazy with worry and doubt.  She said that every person has their own path.  Maxie's path will not be Mo's.  I listened, but I could not hear her.  A little later in the afternoon, I took Mo for a stroll, and it occurred to me that maybe she is right - in fact, she MUST be right.  Life is way too random (as I know WAY too well) for the exact thing that happened to Max to happen on the exact day to Mo.  Right?  RIGHT?!!!!!!!

Another mother I know her lost her 15 month old wrote to me recently and said that one thing that keeps them going is that it rarely ever happens to the same family twice....but, she pointed out, that doesn't make the loss of our child any easier.....it just means that for now at least, it may not get any harder.  When you go through life, as I do now, always expecting tragedy, horror and trauma, it is nice to think that things may not get worse.

Nap on grandma

Mo is so focused on trying to figure out how to get from one place to another - how to stick his tush up in the air and get crawling - that he can hardly sleep.  That is, he can hardly sleep until he does - and then he sleeps HARD.  Yesterday, he missed his entire first nap because he just rolled around and around in his crib until he completely lost it and cried his eyes out.  Then he went to grandma's house for a couple of hours while Ted and I ran errands.  I thought I would put him down for a nap when I got back.  He couldn't wait that long though.  We came back to my mom's to find this:

She said, "I am in heaven....except for that I have to go to the bathroom".

This nap lasted only 30 minutes - the only one he took all day.  I sure hope he figures out how to crawl soon!

Mothers

As we approach Mother's Day, I just wanted to post a thank you to the mothers of my friends who have supported me in various ways since Max stopped breathing - Tanya, Harriet, Nancy, and Nelle, and so many who've reached out to me - Kathy, Livia, Ruth, Nechama and others.  and the mother of my very best friend - Gigi. we love you. Thank you all for your kindness and warmth.  I have come to know a few of you in such a deeper way over these last 21 months and I am deeply grateful for the support you have given me. 

Happy Mothers Day, lovely Mothers!  You are all very special!

Took it down

I posted something this morning but then I took it down. What I had to say doesn't really matter anyway. What matters is this guy .. And nothing else.

Treading Water

It is time for me to cut out all of the nonsense.  I have to concentrate on getting through the next month and then the months after that - leading to Mo's first birthday - as best as I can.  As Ted explained last night, we've been treading water for a very long time now....just barely keeping our heads above the water.  Then these things come up - like anniversaries or memories or outside drama - and it is like we are then expected to carry these bricks....and our legs are just too tired.  I don't have enough in me to take on the additional weight so I am just dropping it all.  If my load cannot be lightened or shared by a situation or person - then I cannot invite them into the water with me.  I woke up to go to the bathroom last night and awoke with the knowledge that nothing outside of the mental, emotional and physical health of my family really matters right now.  We are on the verge of drowning and I need to focus on keeping us afloat.  Everything else is a brick.  Considering what we've been through, what we've lost, what we've seen with our own eyes - taking on all of these bricks is just ridiculous, unhealthy, unwise.  All that matters is Max is gone.  All that matters is that Mo is here.  All of the rest of it is nonsense and drama.  I don't need it.  I can't handle it anyway.  I've got more important stuff to concentrate on.

Ted just sent me this song:

Fell on Black Days - Chris Cornell

What'soever I've feared 
Has come to life 
And what'soever I've fought off 
Became my life. 

Just when everyday 
Seemed to greet me with a smile 
Sunspots have faded 
And now I'm doing time 
Now I'm doing time 

'Cause I fell on black days 
I fell on black days (Black days) 

Whomsoever I've cured 
I've sickened now 
And whomsoever I've cradled 
I've put you down 

I'm a search light soul 
They say 
But I can't see it 
In the night 
I'm only faking when I get it right 
When I get it right 

'Cause I fell on black days 
I fell on black days 

How would I know 
That this could be my fate? 
How would I know 
That this could be my fate? 

(Bridge) 

To what you wanted to see good 
Has made you blind 
And what you wanted to be yours 
Has made it mine 

So don't you lock up something 
That you wanted to see fly 
Hands are for shaking 
No, not tying 

No, not tying 

I sure don't mind a change 
I sure don't mind a change 
Yeah, I sure don't mind 
I sure don't mind a change 

I sure don't mind a change 

'Cause I fell on black days 
I fell on black days (Black days) 

How would I know 
That this could be my fate? 
How would I know 
That this could be my fate? 
How would I know 
That this could be my fate? 
How would I know 
That this could be my fate? 

I sure don't mind a change....

Watching kids at the park

Mo and I went to the park in the evening yesterday to play on the swing and sit on the big cement frog - something Mo loves to do.  Mo notices the others kids a lot.  He loves bigger kids and they always come over to the frog to play with "the baby".  Mo smiles and giggles at them.  Seeing how much he loves bigger kids breaks my heart.  I know he would love his big brother Max.  I started talking to another mom last night who was there with her two children.  She was new to the neighborhood and very nice and friendly.  Her two boys were 5 and 2 1/2.   I couldn't take my eyes off of the younger one.  He was running around after his big brother and talking so much.  He was up and down the slide and playing make believe games.  Is this how my Max would be?  Would he be doing all of these things?  My heart sank when I heard her call his name..... "Max".  I actually felt a little sick.  I was praying she wouldn't ask me if Mo was my only child.

I really don't feel cut out for this sometimes.  It's too too hard.  I really don't feel like I have the strength to keep it up.  I can't even believe it is real.  And, I know that we lost him a year and nine months ago.  I do.  But to those of us who loved Max most, it feels like yesterday.  It really really does.  And I feel like I am still in the earliest stages of figuring out how to cope in the outside world.  Remember - I spent a whole year indoors.  A full 60% of my time in bed actually.  While I am a year and nine months into my grief journey, I am only nine months into figuring out how to interact with this completely new life - how to interact with people.  Do I interact honestly with them or do I keep things superficial?  I've found that in this new life, I should even keep those closest to me at arm's length.  They don't want to know about what's really going on.  I don't expect anyone to understand - but it is hard - all of the time.  It definitely redefines what I even consider when I say that someone is "close to me".  There are very few in that category anymore, and that's ok - but it takes some getting used to.

Not a moment goes by that I am not thinking about him.  Half of the time I am thinking about being with him, remembering how we played together - sharing smiles and giggles, tickling him, getting him up from a nap, seeing him smile at me from his crib.  I am thinking about smelling his sweet smell and kissing his soft cheeks.  Just the mere memory of him is too much for my heart to take at times.  The other half of the time, I am thinking about how I will tell new people about him, how I will find out what happened to him, how I will protect Mo and future children from whatever happened to him.  My mind spins and spins and spins and it is so exhausting.  I try to focus all of my extra energy on Mo and work and Ted....after that, there isn't much left.  And, THIS is what life is like since its gotten "easier".  

I wish my life were different.  I really miss my Max.

Mo watching the big kids playing at the park from his swing

Flawed

Like any other human being - I have flaws....quite a few in fact.

I am very sensitive and my feelings are easily hurt.  I am defensive and I hold a grudge.

I am very impatient - something that makes my husband crazy.  When I decide that something needs to get done, it can't happen quick enough.

I have a temper.  I don't blow up often, but when I do, stand back.  I can be a real jerk.  I won't say where I got that from but I did in fact inherit that one.

These are all qualities I am not proud of.  They are flaws that I have been working on for a long time.  Long before Maxie died.  Having him in my life helped me with my patience and my temper...it didn't do much for my sensitive side (hormones make that a flaw that was and is nearly impossible to work on)..but overall, I feel that I had made great progress.

Then Maxie died.  Unsurprising to me, but somehow VERY surprising to others, losing a child did not "fix" these flaws.  I did not emerge from this tragedy with greater patience, a cool and easy going "sticks and stones" attitude, or an absence of temper.  There is an expectation that when bad things happen to good people, good people should become even better people.  It is a near impossible expectation to live up to.  Sadly, I am still human.

When someone is diagnosed with a frightening disease, loses some physical capability or part, or loses a loved one, they won't all become heroes....even though it would make us feel so good if they did.  We love the stories of the people who lose limbs in shark attacks but keep on surfing, who are diagnosed with terminal illnesses but continue to keep a positive attitude and never ever show their pain, and who lose limbs but continue to participate in marathons.  Those people ARE so inspiring.  I am SO inspired by those people.  I am grateful that they give me something to aspire to.  But, I am not one of those people right now.

I am just a normal, flawed human being.


I've been listening to this Jewish music CD with Mo lately (I LOVE it!) and was reminded of a song I loved as a kid.  "Lo yisa goy":

The English part of the song goes:
Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead
Just walk beside me and be my friend
And, together, we will walk in the path of Ha'shem

One of the kindest things said to me after Max died was by my boss.  He said, "I will walk beside you"....to me that meant, "no expectations" and I felt complete relief upon hearing him utter those words.  He has stayed true to it and has indeed walked beside me...as many others have.  I think those people who have walked beside me have given me the strength to continue walking...period.

There are days when I feel strong and days when I completely fall apart. my feelings are hurt easily. I have very few coping skills anymore and my emotions are raw and sitting at the surface of my skin. I am ALWAYS on guard. I am flawed as I imagine you are too. I am extra flawed without Max.

I am grateful for so many of you for accepting me, even with all of my flaws, and for walking beside me. It's the kindest and most compassionate thing you can do for another human being who is suffering.

Nine Months Old

Today is Mo's NINE MONTH BIRTHDAY!!!!

I'll tell you what - these photo shoots aren't getting any easier.  Mo rolls around, pulls off his sticker and isn't super interested in being photographed.  That's the way it should be at nine months, right?  We are so happy to be celebrating Mo's nine month birthday!!

Mo at nine months is so awesome!  He makes lots of funny noises.  He "talks" all of the time.  He loves food that he can pick up and eat himself - like puffs and now, black beans!  He loves television puppet shows like Pajanimals and Sesame Street.  He loves being read to - especially Trashy Town and books about animals.  He rides in a regular stroller now, never in the snap and go.  He wears a size four diaper and I have no idea how tall or heavy he is but we do have his nine month check up on the 30th.  He sleeps about 11-12 hours every night and usually takes very good naps!

We love him sosososososososososososososososo much!!!!

Ready, Set ........GO:

And - for fun: a little video of Mo eating his nine month onsie sticker:

On the eve of your nine month birthday

Dear Mo,

Tomorrow you will be 9 months old.  We have been waiting for a year and nine months to have a nine month old baby again - to love, and cuddle, and play with and sing to; to bathe, and dress, and feed, and kiss and hug.  We have dreamed of having a nine month old baby again to fill our arms and hearts.  Our dream is coming true - because tomorrow you will finally be nine months old. 

Your daddy and I are having a very hard time these days.  Daddy has been very, very sad...but you brighten his days.  He told me last week that he feels sad all day long until he comes home and sees you.  You are the best medicine in the world - for both of us and our whole family.  You are a wonderful, amazing, sweet, and funny little boy.  My heart leaps out of my chest whenever I look at your beautiful face.  You are just perfect.  It makes us so happy to think of getting to see you grow up.  You are helping us to heal - you give us purpose and joy.

Mo - I cannot wait to stick a nine month onsie sticker on your chest tomorrow and take your pictures.  Even more - I cannot wait to stick a ten month sticker on your onsie next month.  I plan to relish every moment that I have with you forever but PARTICULARLY this month.  You are such a gift to us.  Thank you for every smile, scream, raspberry, jump, squeal, cry.  You are an amazing baby.

We love you so much little Morris.  We can't wait to wish you a Happy Nine Month Birthday tomorrow!!!!

XOXO
Mommy & Daddy

Acting out in my dreams

The night before last I had a very vivid dream.  I woke up unclear about whether it was true or not.  I dreamt that a woman I know lost her oldest child.  This woman I know is one of the people who has been running around telling everyone that it is time for me to get over Max.  I don't talk to her anymore but I did in the first year after losing Max, because everyone told me that she meant well.  In those days, every time I heard from her or saw her, it would set me back in my grief.  I would end up in arguments with her about why I am allowed to be overwhelmed with sadness.  She would say she understood but then would say awful things to me.  I know she "meant well", but I don't talk to her now.  My heart cannot take it...no matter how much "well" she meant.  Sometimes just thinking about the things she said and wrote to me makes my blood boil.  They say it is easier to be angry than in grief...maybe that is why I get SO incredibly angry.

I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy....I really wouldn't.  But I am embarrassed to say that sometimes, I would like those well meaners to feel it for just a moment - or maybe an hour..then maybe they would stop judging.  Maybe instead of EVERYTHING else that they could say, they would just say, "I am so sorry.  You didn't deserve this.  Ted didn't deserve this.  And, most of all Max didn't."  Or something along those lines.

I guess my subconscious mind agrees, because I very vividly dreamt that this woman's child died and that the woman I am talking about fell apart.  And, in the dream, I was incredibly unkind to her.  She came to me because she knew that I understood, but I threw all of the stupid stuff she said back in her face, knowing that she was in hell.

I know that if someone I knew ever actually lost a child, I would do everything I could to comfort them.  I would.  Even if they have been terrible to me.  End of story.  Though I think there was a reason my mind put this particular dream together and I was somewhat disappointed that I woke up in the middle of the dream even - I sort of wanted to see where it went.  I guess I wanted to continue to be unkind to her in my dream - a place where I think it is ok to be unkind and where you might even be able to let yourself off the hook for being so unkind.

I didn't ask for the dream....I am sure that it is enraging to know that my brain conjures up these stories ....I fully expect to hear from "anonymous"....but I am not sure I have much control and I figured I'd share.  Something tells me that I am not the only one "acting out" while I am asleep.

Play date!!!!

Mo had a play date with his cousin Camille last week. It was a lot of fun!!

Flirting

Teddy went to visit Maxie recently when Gigi was in town. He was very upset to find a new grave, two over from where Maxie is, for another baby.  I had kind of forgotten about that baby and then yesterday a big package arrived for Ted.  I figured he had ordered something for our home or something for Mo.  Instead, he opened it up and unwrapped a new metal pinwheel, not for Maxie's grave, but for the baby nearby.  He didn't say much about it but I can tell there is a lot going on in his heart these days.  Things are always hard for us without Max, but these past few weeks have been especially torturous.  I'm sure it has a lot to do not only with the fear of Mo being almost nine months old, but with the fact that he reminds us A LOT of our last memories of Max.  Max was SO incredibly cute at this age.  We couldn't wait for him to get better and better as he got older - but he didn't get any older.  I've been flashing back a lot to Maxie in the hospital, hooked up to machines and tubes.  I have to seriously FORCE myself to think of something else.

Our housekeeper was here yesterday.  The same housekeeper Maxie used to flirt with all of the time - he was especially flirtatious in the weeks leading up to his death.  Yesterday, I watched Mo doing the exact same thing with her.  It was so sweet but I nearly burst into tears.  I can't believe Max is gone....and I know that sounds crazy almost two years later...but, if you have ever lost someone that suddenly, I am sure you understand.  It is just completely unbelievable that someone THAT alive just stopped living in an instant.

I caught a little bit of Mo's flirting yesterday on my iphone.  I wish I had caught Maxie doing the same thing but I never realized that I wouldn't have another opportunity.  I try to capture everything Mo does.  I'm running out of storage space.  Anyway - I'll set the scene...I was sitting in front of Mo and our housekeeper was walking behind me, back and forth between the kitchen and our bedroom.  Watch Mo watching her.....it's too cute!

Working Out

Yesterday, while Ted and I were having our nightly work out session, he said, "I keep waiting to see that you've written about this on your blog".  He knows nothing is sacred anymore (insert smiley face emotee-con)!  As part of my 30-day challenge, I have VOWED to exercise everyday.  I also find that it helps take my mind off dark and horrific thoughts for the period that I am pumping it out.  Ted has been saying for months that he has no time to work out because he works so many hours, so I enlisted him in a nightly work out in our living room before dinner.  We have been going strong for a whole 4 days!  (insert another smiley face emotee-con here).  I know that doesn't sound like much but....it is what it is.  I would have waited to write about it until it had been a lot more days but Ted's comment last night felt like a challenge (insert another one here).

We have been doing Jillian Michael's 6 week six pack and her 30 day shred, but with our crappy knees and with both of us still getting over injuries we are going to do something more low impact tonight - ZUMBA!  I think his knees must really be hurting for him to have agreed to Zumba in our living room with me.  Our front door has a window on it and the first night we worked out, Ted kept glancing out the window to make sure that we wouldn't get caught by the UPS guy. I have a feeling getting caught doing Zumba would be more embarrassing for him than getting caught doing an abdominal work out.  I know it would be for me.  If he's lucky,I'll let him use the weighted maracas.

 Anyway, I have been exercising daily for a week now and counting calories for more than two - I have seen no change in the scale or in my clothing but I am trying not to lose hope (even though it really is SO discouraging!).  My fellow challengers have been encouraging, which makes it easier to stick to it.  Tomorrow we have our second weigh in - there are almost 20 of us!  It has been fun swapping recipes, exercise ideas and sharing challenges.  More to come.....

Bear with me....

I don't know how I will get through these next weeks without losing my mind.  It seems nearly impossible that Mo will make it but I know I have to keep positive - which I am doing most of the time.  BUT he is exactly where Max was at this age.  EXACTLY.  He has the same favorite foods, he gets fussy about the same things, he is in the same stage of development.  AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGG!!!!!  THIS IS SO HARD!  And somehow the pediatricians office seems to have dropped the ball on scheduling his nine month appointment....not that that appointment did one thing to save Maxie's life, but I still NEED to have one with Mo.  There are 21 days until Mo is 9 and a half months and 37 days until he is 10 months old.  Can you bear with me while I completely lose my marbles?