Yesterday

Nobody could have prepared me for the excruciating pain of yesterday.  My baby's first birthday and he wasn't here to celebrate with.  Just unbearable.  How I wish I had bought him a cake, watched him smash icing into his sweet little face.  I know I am in the bargaining phase of grief because I keep thinking of things I would trade for that experience....like, my own life.  I would give my life for Max to be able to eat birthday cake.  My mom, cousin Sharon (who has been here all week) and I went up to the cemetery.  When we got to Maxie's grave, we could see that others had been there before us.  It was comforting to know that.  I could tell that the yellow balloon, card and little stuffed animal were from my friend Amy S (now Amy M) because her kids names were on the card.  I am not sure if they also brought the pumpkin/balloon or if was from someone else.  The balloon said "Happy 1st Birthday.  We love you Maxie Moo".  I miss and love Maxie Moo too.....SOOOOOOOOOO much!  We sat down and read "Good Night Moon" to Max.  First I read it, exactly how I read it to him every night.  Then Grandma read it to him, probably the same way she read it to him when she babysat.  I always finished reading the book with "and Good Night Maxie".  Then I would very softly pick him up and place him on my shoulder while I gently rubbed his tiny back and sang to him.  Those were the best moments of my life.  Nothing else has ever come close.
Today we are planting an olive tree in our front yard in memory of Max.  This was not the Birthday I had planned for my sweetest boy.  It is what it is I suppose.  No matter how much I beg.  This is it.  This is as good as it gets.  Happy Birthday my Maxie Moo, my little monkey, my little punky.  I love you to the moon and the stars and so much farther than that.  You are my reason for breathing - the baby I always dreamed of.  I hope you are out there somewhere and you know just how much I love you.  With everything that I am, Max.  Daddy and I love you with everything.