I miss Max

I miss Max so much it is all consuming.  He is all I ever think about.

Greg had four beautiful photos of Max enlarged really big for the funeral (the ones attached to this post).  They are now positioned around our small house.  I stare at them all day long and wonder how it is that this blessed life is now gone from earth.  How can it even be that Max doesn't exist any longer?  It still doesn't seem real.  By now, he would be crawling - really crawling.  We would have baby proofed our home.  Our morning routine would be a little different by now I am sure.  How?  I can't say, but things are ever changing with a baby. We were days away from bathing Max in the bathtub.  I had bought a slip mat for the bottom of the tub and a little pad for my knees, so I could kneel comfortably while bathing him.  He would be playing in what Ted calls "The Thunder Dome", a small gated area, that came to our house while we were in the hospital and still sits in a box in Maxie's room.  He would be strapped to me in the ergo carrier that I bought online the day before "the incident".

I miss looking at the back of his little head, neck and the tiny slope of his shoulders while he sat in my lap.  I miss how contended he would get when I picked him up when he was fussing.  I miss how he would lie his cheek to my chest for moments while I carried him on my hip.  When I see other babies doing this to their mothers, my heart feels heavy.  I miss watching him smile when his Daddy walked into the room.  I miss going into his room in the morning, seeing him see me, and then seeing the same smile spread across his face.  I miss him flirting with our housekeeper - banging on his tray and howling until he would get her attention and then flashing her a sly and lovely smile.  He had mad flirting skills.  I miss the struggle of putting him in his PJs while he rolled around the bed looking for stuffed animals to play with.  I miss his perfectly soft and flawless skin (never really had a bout of baby acne). I miss how big his eyes were.  I miss the one dimple on the right cheek and the tiny bump behind that ear.  I miss his little tummy and perfect belly button.  I hope that none of these memories fade with time.  I want them all to be fresh always.  I have never loved with such abandon, without fear, with no guards up.  When I first starting dating Ted, he told me I came off as a little cold.  I told him that it was because I didn't want to "emotionally invest" in him yet.  I was emotionally invested in Max the first time I saw the little bean on an ultrasound.  He was the absolute love of my life.  The very best thing that ever happened to me.  And, now, he is gone and I am so sad.  My life will never be the same without my Maxie.

I tried to sum it all up at his funeral:

His beautiful face
His perfect eyebrows
His long eye lashes
His blue eyes with one small corner of brown
This perfect twist of his ears
His 2 toothed grin
His pudgy knees, His "squeezy" thighs
His intoxicating smell
I am in love with every bit of him
Ted and I were blessed enough to have found each other - Our Max made our lives infinitely more lovely
I spent all day of all nine and a half months thinking about him.
I will spend every moment for the rest of my life with him in my heart
Every night I sang him to sleep with a special Hebrew Song
Join me if you can, or just follow along, in singing my baby to sleep.

רד היום, שמש דום
כוכבים נוצצים במרום,

לילה בא, למנוחה,

שלום, שלום

Day is done 
Gone the sun 
Stars are sparkling in the sky 
Evening comes, to give rest 
May you have peace

Rad Hayome 
Shemesh dome
Cochavim notztezeem bamarome 
Laila bah, lem'noocha 
Shalom, Shalom......

1 comment

Becca said...

This is heartbreakingly beautiful. I am just sobbing reading this. So much love and so much pain comes through your words. You are a beautiful mama and I am so sorry you are suffering so badly.