To my friends

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Thank you so much for continuing to send emails, for calling me, for texting me for trying arrange for coffee or lunch or a time to hang out.  I can't tell you how much it has meant to me.  I am sorry that I have not emailed, called, or texted most of you back.  Most of the time, I don't want to see other people.  It is exhausting trying to make conversation but I hate sitting in silence with another person.  In some cases, I am avoiding you because you also have small children and I don't want to hurt your feelings by telling you that I don't want to hear about that child, whom I still love and wish the very best for and look forward to seeing again in the future.  Your child makes me sad because you have him/her and I don't have Max.  In some cases I am avoiding you because I know from experience that you won't be able to go down as deep as I need you to with me on this and I am not saying you aren't deep, I am saying what I need is nearly too much to ask from anyone.  I need those people who are willing to put themselves aside to be in a dark pit with me...not exactly something we can do over coffee or a light lunch.  In some cases, I am afraid that you will try to cheer me up or fix me and those things are not possible so, instead of having you over here so you can leave feeling dejected, I am sparing you the disappointment.

I want to tell you how much all of the cards, flowers, books, and other gifts have meant to Ted and I.  It is amazing how much of an outpouring of support we have received.  I HOPE you know that we have no words to thank you for the donations that you have made towards Maxie's forest.  His trees will live long and healthy lives breathing beautiful air on a majestic mountain in one of our favorite places in the world.  Nothing could be more beautiful.  I am beside myself every time dinner shows up on our doorstep from the "Food Train" participants.  We have had the most delicious meals and so many leftovers and there has been so much love in everything you have sent us.  THANK YOU.  I feel like I need all new recipes when I go back into the kitchen eventually because everything I make reminds me of my old un-broken life. The food train has saved me so many grocery trips as well - a particularly tough place for me since Max has died.  I have felt heard when you have left comments on my blog or sent me emails about what I have written.  I appreciate that so much.  I have never felt so misunderstood in my life and to have some of you be able to respond to me with such warmth and wisdom has been totally affirming.

It is more clear to me every day that I am changed for life.  I will never be the same Abby.  Ted will never be the same Ted.  It will be some time before I am ready to come out of this house and meet you for coffee.  I can't make chit chat and when I do, I feel like the life force has been zapped out of my soul.  Thank you for sticking by my side even though I haven't given you much reason to do so.  So many of Ted and my close friendships go back to our very young years and we have both been so lucky to have made many new friends in the years that have followed.  You have been so wonderful to us and to our families.  We cannot believe how lucky we are to have so many people who love us so much.  Please know that even if you are being ignored, we really do love you.

* By the way, you don't need to wish me an easy fast this weekend.  I have no intention of fasting.  I am still WAY too angry at g-d.  Blasphemous, I know.  But, for those of you who ARE fasting, I do wish you an easy fast.

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