Grandma Susanna reading Maxie "Runaway Bunny"
Papa Chuck and I enjoying better times

Ted's parents, Gigi and Papa, dancing at our wedding

Gigi and Maxie going for a walk
My stepmother, Grandma Leonie, with Maxie at Passover
Maxie with my mom's boyfriend, Ken (K-pa)
Leonie, Papa Chuck and Mandy at the hospital when Maxie was born

Proud Grandma with Baby Max

I just cannot imagine what our parents must be going through.  Becoming a grandparent must be one of the most joyous things that can happen in a persons life.  I know losing Maxie must be so painful for them. Their dreams and hopes for the future have also been trashed and my heart bleeds for them.
My mom broke her arm last Friday - BAD.  She must have already had a hairline fracture or something and then, walking down the concrete steps in her garage with a laundry basket, she lost her balance, threw her arms up in the air, and heard a loud pop or a tear.  Her arm went slack.  She is now in a compression cast from her shoulder to her elbow.  She is bruised and her arm is being held snugly to her body in a tight sling. There is a lot she cannot do - drive, blowdry her hair, cut up food, need to even list it all.  Her wonderful friend and neighbor, Jackie, is helping her by driving her to appointments and the office and keeping her good company.  Her boyfriend, Ken, is cooking and cleaning and also helping her get dressed.  Actually, they are both doing so much more than I can even list here.  I am trying to help as well but I am not good company and I am mean and bossy.  This morning I came over and helped her get dressed and blowdry her hair.  Every time I turned around though, she was bending over, picking things off the floor and attempting to fold laundry.  I understand her need to be independent but I am too tired to chase her around and make sure she doesn't hurt herself.  She is a grown woman, I know.  My friends have offered to set up a "meal train" for her as well but she said she is fine, she is happy opening a can of beans.  I don't think I need to be the one to tell her that she, in fact, cannot open a can of beans right now.
Teddy's parents are far away in Connecticut. I know that they feel incredible grief and are so worried about their boy.  I am happy to know that they have Sadie, my niece to brighten up their days.  My dad has good days and bad and he gets a lot of joy from my other niece Mandy. I am glad for that as well.  I am sure that I give no comfort.  I give new meaning to "Debbie Downer".
I woke up yesterday morning so sad.  Ted gets up very early to be at his job site at 7:30.  It must take incredible strength to pull himself out of bed so early.  He has never been a morning person as it is.  After he left the house, I fell back asleep and I heard a little voice in my dream that said, "Mommy, if you just open your heart, I will come to you."  So I concentrated really hard and then, in my dream, I was holding a little stuffed monkey that Maxie loved and I could actually feel his strong presence in it.  When I woke up, I ran to his room and grabbed the monkey, that now sits on his changing table, and I hugged it, but there was nothing there.  I then pulled out his dirty laundry that I put into plastic bags in a drawer and inhaled his smell, hoping I would feel him again.  At least I had a moment of him in my chest, filling my lungs.  That is all I have right now.
Nothing will ever replace our boy.  I miss him more with each day as each day is so much further from him than the day before.  I am still praying though, that some day, I can make grandparents smile with us again.  Praying that my presence in my mom's daily life isn't only making her emotional pain worse.  Praying that her arm will heal well so she can hold another grandchild in the near future.  That is what I pray for every day. 

1 comment

Tamar said...

Abby - this post sums up what a wonderful person you are. Even at your darkest hour, you are thinking about the pain of others. Rest assured, though all your friends and family can see that you are in pain, we still see the side of you that laughs, jokes, cares for others, has hope for the future - and is anything but a "Debbie Downer."