Living without Maxie

Saturday, August 27, 2011

I am so sad all day long.  My face hangs.  There are dark circles under my eyes.  I wear the same sweat pants whenever I can.  Having to dress in anything more than that takes extreme effort.  I have been smoking.  I can't drink anymore - makes me even more sad.  I look around at his toys and strollers and photos and I picture him.  My heart is so broken.  I can't hold it together.  I miss his little face so much.  I miss cupping his little cheeks in my hands and gnawing on his ears.  I miss kissing him all over.  I miss sitting him up on his changing table after his bath and rubbing his little back with baby lotion.  I am in so much pain I can't think straight.  I miss Maxie so much.
I went to a meeting this week.  I cried all of the way there.  Somehow, I held it together for the meeting and even heard my own voice talking about work stuff.  I felt it was a productive meeting.  That being said, I had my marathon panic attack that day.  Maybe those two things are not at all related.  I am taking baby steps to get back to work but I am aware that eventually, more will be expected of me.  I am having a hard time balancing that reality with my personal reality, which is that I am finding it hard to find the strength to even make conversation with my own family, let alone others.
I feel terrible that my husband comes home every evening to find me in the same state I was in the night before - depressed, lonely, vacant, and missing Max.  He misses Max in an overwhelming and deep way too but we express it differently.  Ted would like more diversions.  I just want to sit on the couch or lie in bed and cry.  Sorry for going back to my sad story.
Let me tell you about my heart.  Max is my heart.  He made me feel more important and content than I have ever felt in my life.  I wanted to be around him all of the time.  He made me feel wonderful about myself and I hope I did the same for him.  He was so snuggly, such a love.  I was happiest with my arms around him and his cheek against my chest.  I can't believe I will never feel that again.  Max was my heart and he still is.  Not sure how I am supposed to live without Max.  I am not myself without Max.  I liked my old self (of 5 weeks ago) so much better than any version before or after he came into my life.

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