Taking a break from sad stories

Friday, August 26, 2011

Many of you have privately shared your horror stories with me in the last few weeks, as I have been sharing my horror story so publicly with you.  Thank you for trusting me as I have trusted you.  Stories of loss are important to share, especially with those of us who understand the depths of sadness that grief can take us to.  That being said, I need to take a step back now because I have become painfully aware that I am not fully equipped at this time to handle all of this information.  I hope that someday, I will be a wonderful sounding board, but I am way too raw right now.  I am sorry.  I spent about 5 hours yesterday in a full out anxiety attack.  It was exhausting and too much for me to handle.  I started thinking about ALL of the things that could go wrong - infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, another child's death, another death period, my own death.  I started looking up scary statistics on the internet and freaking myself out.  I have to believe that Ted and I have been given the most we can handle and that there will be so many good things in our future once we come out of this fog.  If I think anything else, I won't make it.  I am actually going to hold off of the group therapy thing until I can handle other people's stories and not make them my own.
I am going to concentrate on good things for a little while.  Like, just remembering my little Max and all of the happiness he brought to me daily.  I love that baby!!!
Maxie had a little bounce when he ate.  He would very contently chew (with his two teeth) his meal while rhythmically bouncing and looking around the room.  He wanted to see where Daddy was, where Jakey and Layla were and just get a general sense of what was going on.  It was CUTE!  I loved feeding Max.  He really enjoyed food - especially bananas.  If I wasn't worried about them constipating him, I could have easily fed him several in a sitting.  He loved them so much.  Kind of makes sense because we called him our little monkey.  Maxie taught me patience.  Meal times were a real practice in patience because he was a slow eater, like his father.  It was about the experience more than the meal.  Perhaps he was European in a past life.  We all enjoyed feeding Maxie and as I mentioned before, he also loved to feed himself.  In the last weeks, his favorite thing to eat were little puffs.  I could cover his tray with them and he would do his best to pick each one up and smash them in his little mouth.  His aim was 50-50.  It was so entertaining.
My mom found a couple of videos that I had never seen.  I have so few videos of Max and there aren't many left that I haven't already posted, so I will just post one of them for now.  This one is right after meal time.  Cousin Sharon makes another appearance.  Since cellular phones are now cameras and video cameras, it is hard to know whether someone is taking your photo or a video and Sharon and I have both fallen for the "still photo pose while being video taped" predicament, which is hilariously funny when it happens to someone else, kind of embarrassing when it happens to you.  Anyway, check out my happy baby.  He was ALWAYS this wonderful.

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