Another lonely Saturday

When it is a Saturday and Ted has gone to work, there is absolutely no reason to get out of bed.  In fact, I try to sleep as long as I can so that there are less hours in the day that I have to be awake.  On days like this when Maxie was alive, I would plan a whole day for him and I to enjoy together.  We'd walk through the neighborhood, or go visit grandparents, or play at home, or visit with friends.  I remember thinking how awesome it was to have Max, my little pal, so that I was never alone when Ted had to work.  I always had a playmate.

The house next door was empty for months until a few weeks ago when a family moved in.  They have 2 kids I think....Ted met them and told me but I don't remember.  Of course, he explained that he lived next door with his wife and two dogs.  That is our new family description, which is why I don't want to meet anyone new.  Anyway, these kids play outside all of the time.  The sounds of them playing make my heart race and the dogs get all worked up too.  Layla and Jake run outside and bark at the fence that separates our yards until I have to get out of bed, open the door and call them back in. Sometimes I shut them in my room until they calm down.  These kids must be homeschooled or something because the playing goes on all week long, all times of day.  I usually put on music or the television loud to drown them out.

Speaking of children, and I know I've already written all about this...but it is getting worse.  Last weekend, Suzy and I went to get manicures and a baby about eight or nine months old came in with his parents about 15 minutes after we sat down.  The two times I went to yoga last week, there were babies in my class.  On Monday, the baby was about the age Maxie would be and he was with his mommy sitting right behind me and my mom.  At one point, his mom was even breastfeeding him in the class.  He was a good boy.  So cute too.  With a little knit whale cap.  It is so incredibly painful!  Thursday, a mommy brought a little girl to the class.  She was probably just under a year.  She started crying early on and the teacher asked her to leave.  What a relief!  What I guess I still don't really get is why people bring their babies places that aren't super baby friendly.  I mean, there are baby and me classes at the studio.  Why bring the baby to an adult class when you know that it will bother people?  When Max was alive, I didn't really like bringing him places that people would glare at him because, honestly, I didn't want all of that negative energy on him.  It wasn't even about the people in the restaurant being bothered.  I don't think I cared about them so much.  I didn't like so much negative attention being aimed at my sweet pea.  Can someone explain the logic behind bringing the baby to non-baby friendly places?

I have to admit though, we brought Max and Sadie to Byblos sports bar in Costa Rica so that we could watch a Giants game.  I actually think that very few people even noticed and there are always children in random places there.  It is a sweet memory.  Maxie was wearing his helmet.  It felt like he was supporting the sport with his head gear.  I remember bringing him back to the pool table area to change his diaper.  He was such a good boy.

I've been missing him like crazy.  I cannot believe I have made it six months.  I have heard of people   dying of a broken heart and I think I keep expecting it to happen to me.  Instead, I am just living with this chronic pain.  I see his face everywhere I go.  I want to kiss baby cheeks and I have no baby to kiss.  I have no reason to get out of bed except for to say I've done it.  I cannot believe this is my life.


Tamar said...

Abby, I'm so sorry that you are enduring such pain and loneliness and that you are constantly reminded of your terrible loss. I too can't believe that Maxie is gone, even though it's been six months. It is horrible and completely senseless that you don't have your playmate, his cheeks to kiss and his presence. Sending you love,


Amanda said...

If you haven't already discovered him, you may appreciate reading Ram Das.
Not long ago, I found a video clip of a grief counseling session he did. And I recall reading, many years ago, Be Here Now (I think that was the title).