NO CONTROL

I got a call last night around 9:30 from our friend at the Comedy Store, who told me that our event date for Maxie had to be changed because Pauly Shore's brother needs the 18th for an event he is doing.  From what I gathered, the Shores own the club.  Plus, they have an all star line up that trumps our benefit for Maxie.  Our friend Shawn was so sweet and there was nothing she could do about it.  She offered us Thursday night, March 15th instead.  We took it.  But, I got off the phone and burst into tears.  I felt so defeated....again.  I have poured a lot of myself into this benefit for Maxie because at this point in time, the only way I get to mother my child is by writing in this blog and raising money in his name.  I know people have bought plane tickets and offered to volunteer and my cousin Sharon put together the flyers and we have a web registration ready to go public on the JNF website and I just posted a Save the Date on my Facebook page yesterday......AND I HATE FACEBOOK....and the only reason I am still on there is so that I can promote Maxie's Forest.  I feel so stupid for even trying and I don't know....it's irrational, but I hate how out of control everything in my life is.  I could not control this event, I cannot control what insensitive things people say to me, I cannot control when and where I bump into babies (in bars, in nail salons, in restaurants late at night, in UNLIKELY places that you would never see a baby or child), I could not control my pregnancy in the fall, and most of all....I could not control losing Maxie.

I remember dropping Max off with whoever was taking care of him (whether it was daycare, or my mom, or even Ted) and going through my list of how to handle him: make sure that he gets .03 ml of Zantac, this is how his physical therapy is done, do not microwave the milk, he should sleep with nothing else in his crib.  I would start talking and I guess I sounded like an over the top protective mom and whoever I was talking to would probably start thinking to themselves, "yack, yack, yack, I know what I am doing".  I actually remember my daycare saying that many times without the yack, yack, yack part.  So, you just have to leave your most precious person with someone else and trust that, in fact, they do know what they are doing.  And, for the most part, I always trusted that everything would be ok.  How stupid I feel!  How sick I am about it every day!  I will never know what happened the day he stopped breathing.  I just have to TRUST that it happened like it was told to me (even though between a few of my family members, we have heard varying accounts of the story).  We are told it was SIDS because there were no signs of suffocation or any other traumas.  He looked perfectly healthy, except for the fact that he stopped breathing and died!  But, I know the basic rules of how a baby should be put down to sleep and I will never know if those rules were followed because I was the annoying mom who repeated the "safety first" rules over and over and probably sounded like a nut.  And, now I am the bereaved mother who repeats other stuff like how sad and anxious and lonely and sick and miserable I am over and over and I sound (and AM) more nuts.  And, I know that I want more children.  And, I know that if I ever leave my child in the care of someone else again, they will either follow my rules or they won't.... because I HAVE NO CONTROL.  

So, I guess the change of date for our benefit was just a trigger reminding me how pointless and stupid it is to plan anything at all.  And as Ted pointed out, it will be fine on another night.  There is enough time to change things and spread the word.  Of course, I am nervous the date will change again but there is nothing I can do about it.  In the big picture, this is something relatively small and perhaps even though there will be some people who won't be able to make a Thursday who would have been able to make a Sunday, there will be others who will be able to make a Thursday but wouldn't have been able to make the Sunday.  This is not a big deal.  This is the kind of thing that made me crazy before I lost Max.  Before I lost Max - when the small things like angry mean donors, and uncooperative board members used to make me upset.  Now, if nothing else, these small things should be put into a little bit more perspective.  

So - I will post a really informative post in the next couple of days with ALL of the information about the benefit for Maxie's Forest.  In the meantime, please mark your calendars for the new date - Thursday, March 15th - A Night of Comedy to Benefit Maxie's Forest.  Doors open at 7, there will be a silent auction and raffles and cocktails from 7-8 and the show will start at 8 pm.  I am so sorry for any inconvenience and thanks for your support.