Life Lessons

If we are put on this earth to learn certain lessons, I fear that the lesson I am supposed to learn is not to love too deeply.  When I am punished, it is for loving.  So, I am not certain what to do.  I already love Ted.  It is almost too late.  But, maybe I should slowly pull away, so if anything happens, the pain won't sear like it does now for Max.  If we have more children, maybe I should keep my emotional distance.  I thought children were safe to love with your whole heart, but I learned that is not the case.  Better to keep them at an arm's length perhaps.  I have listened to many Holocaust survivor testimonies and I have met many children of survivors through the years.  This was an emotional tactic employed post-war.  Some parents had more children but didn't get as emotionally invested in them.  Seems pretty unfair for those kids - a lot of them grew up feeling unloved or that they were the lousy replacements for the more favored, better children who were killed.  How can I guard my heart and still move forward?  The better question seems to be, how can I ever move forward?

This has been a very hard week (they all are).  Teddy's birthday was a nice break from a lot of pain but even that day had rough moments.  His awesome friends banded together and got him a gift certificate to the Langham Huntington Hotel in Pasadena and we decided to stay the night there on Monday night.  It was nice having a big comfortable king sized bed (we have a queen with an old mattress at home) with hotel sheets and maid service (I love hotels).  It was nice to be away from our regular surroundings for a night too.  We decided to go down to the hotel bar for drinks and snacks.  A father was trying to calm his baby and was carrying her around the bar for most of our time there.  Afterwards, we decided to walk around the hotel to get a lay of the land.  We turned down a hall headed right towards a nursing mom, turned around and saw a couple about our age with their little boy.  Obviously, we cannot go anywhere without being surrounded by children.  It's ridiculous to even think we can escape.  Last week a friend suggested we move to a retirement THAT is a good idea.  Leaving Maxie behind in 2011 hurts.  I only feel respite from my pain when I don't think about him and I cannot NOT think about him.  He deserves to be remembered in every moment because he should be here with us.  I hate who I have become.  Not sure what kind of a New Year's Resolution can even help at this point.  The list of changes that I would need to make to myself to even get back to my flawed old self is really endless and overwhelming.  Still, I am hopeful that a little light can come back into our lives this year.  Anything has to be better than this.

1 comment

Rachael Petru Horowitz said...

We only met once, many many years ago (via Stacy Walter before she moved to NY and then came back to LA) but I remember you. When I heard about Max's passing I shared, in whatever way I could , in your loss and devastation and have vowed to keep his memory alive by reading your blog on a regular basis. I'm so incredibly sorry for your tremendous pain and want you to know that you are constantly in my thoughts, as is Maxie. No one should ever have to suffer this way - its a horrible reminder of how unpredictable and fragile every aspect of our life really is.

Rachael Petru Horowitz