The Year of Television

I had a dream last night that I was leading a trip called "Chopin in Israel" and the participants were a mash-up bunch of Real World meets Hebrew Union College rabbinical students types.  For anyone who watched the last season of The Real World (because, I still do not miss a season, even twenty years later), Frank was on my trip.  We ended up yelling at each other on the bus.  On every trip to Israel (and I have been a participant and a staff person many times now), there comes a point where people get pissed off.  They don't like the itinerary, they are sick of being on a bus, they are tired, they want to do more shopping.  It was on one of those days that Frank and I got into it.  Why am I telling you this?  I think it is because I realize that there is nothing "going on" in my world.  My dreams and the television shows I watch are pretty much it.  The very few people who call always ask, "What's going on?", and then sound like they are anxiously awaiting good news.  The sad truth is nothing is going on.  If it happened to me, you can read it here.  We went to Pasadena last week.  I forgot to mention that we also went to Burke-Williams Spa and had massages.  That was awesome.  My friend Marla got me a gift certificate and Ted had never been to a "real" spa before (I always drag him to the $40 Thai massage place in echo park).  So, that about covers "what's going on".  While I could not watch ANY television in the early days after losing Max, I watch A LOT of television now, which is probably why I am dreaming about it.  Over the holidays, I literally watched three seasons of the Tudors.  At times I actually relate to Henry the VIII - he is a tortured soul....only I don't behead people when I get unreasonably angry at them (but I do become unreasonably angry many would argue).  Ted and I together have watched all three seasons of Parks and Recreation, we just started Breaking Bad.  I discovered the Vampire Diaries, so that should keep me busy.  Literally, this is what is new.  A couple of months ago, I found the blog of a Hassidic woman in Crown Heights who lost a little girl to SIDS.  The blog is fascinating to me.  Up until the point where her daughter dies, the stories are rich and vibrant and beautiful about her husband and children and her job working at a mikveh (a ritual bath house).  After her daughter dies, the posts are more like, "New Kosher Dairy Joint on the Upper East Side".  I exchanged a couple of emails with her and she said that she called the year after her daughter died, "the year of television".  She said all she did all day is watch TV.  I can relate.  Anything to tune out this noise in my head.  I have also found the blogs of some kind of "cheerful" women who have lost babies to SIDS.  Sometimes I feel terrible that I cannot be more like them.  One sentence they are talking about how they miss their little baby so much, but in the next sentence they are talking about the picnic that they are planning for all of their friends and neighbors.  Their posts always have some kind of "upbeat" in them.  If you are sick of the sadness of my blog, I am happy to refer you to one of theirs.  I think I have mentioned - I can barely leave my house.  I think I have figured out WHY I won't leave my house finally.  Outside of these walls, the world is moving on.  Moving on from Max.  Inside my house, Max still rules.  When I hang out with people, they want to talk about everything BUT Max....because where they dwell, Max is gone.  He has been gone for 5 months.  I have clearly not really entered the acceptance phase yet.  Every morning I wake up and I am still expecting this to all be a terrible dream.  I am trying to figure out how to connect with him, how to hear him, how to get him back.  Logically, I know it isn't going to happen, but the rest of my life is looming in front of me and I want no part of it.  Anyway, the point here is that while nothing is going on, there is a lot going on in this head of mine.  I might not have news to share but from time to time, I *might* be ready for some distraction (or, at least, I am working towards that).  In the meantime, if you have a suggestion for a good TV show (obviously, the suggestions for me to watch without Ted don't even have to be good), please share.