Missing Maxie

Nothing "set me off" yesterday, I am just coming to the realization that I can't control anything at all.  I couldn't control Maxie's death and I can't control the way people act towards us.  I can't make someone understand.  I can't make someone care.  I can't make someone be nice.  It is all out of my control.  My therapist told me that the sooner I come to understand that, the better I will feel.  She says people have moved on, that they probably DON'T really care, that even those who do, want to feel happy and so they are just going to try and make us jump on board the happy wagon no matter how much we resist.  I guess it was an "A-HA" moment but a reluctant one.  I have this ongoing irrational fear that I will run into someone I know while I happen to be smiling at something and that they will think, "oh good!  She is fine now".  Or that something good will happen, like getting a new job, and that people will think that fixes everything and I'm all better now.  It's actually not even so irrational, because it is exactly what happens, BUT the irrational part is that I care.  You can think I am all better.  If you see me smiling or hear good news about me, you can also think that makes everything ok.  I don't need to care.  I mostly have not cared that much since reaching my thirties about what people think about me anyway so I don't know why this situation is any different.  I want the world to know that Maxie was so important that it will take lifetimes before the world is the same again in his absence.  I want people to KNOW that part of us has been destroyed because he is gone.  If they see me smile, they might think six months made it all ok.  My therapist said I might as well just decide to be depressed the rest of my life if I am just trying to prove a point.  All that matters really is that we know the impact that Max had on our lives and to work on keeping his spirit alive as best as possible in his absence.  The truth is that she told me all of this with a harsh "tough love" attitude (which people LOVE to give me since Max's passing) and it just hurt.  She doesn't understand how I feel either BUT, she is right, it doesn't really matter if she understands.  I am not going to make someone who can't express themselves suddenly grow up and tell us how sorry they are for Max's passing.  I am not going to be able to influence someone who doesn't care to suddenly care.  And, who cares really?  There are certain people in your life who will just get it (and I am actually lucky that I have so many emotionally evolved people in my life) and there are a majority of people who won't get it, and that is ok.  Some friends and family are just there to drink beers with, eat meals with, talk about work, gossip about stuff with and that is all there is....it is surface and that is fine.  Some people will be able to get into the pit with you and know that what they are doing is soul saving work.  Some of my friends who have saved my soul should be thanked - Bianca, my cousin Sharon, Suzy, Marla, my sister in law Beth - these have stood out in the way that they have stood by me in my craziness.   I have so many other friends who check in and deliver meals and care so much and I love them.....to name a few - Kate (the meal train organizer), Carmen, Leslie, Rachel K, Jossie, Daphna, Eowyn, Jess, Greg, Courtney, Molly, Amy R, my step sister Lyndsey, Tallie, my brother Paul, Stacy, Danna, Lindsay, Erika and so many more (really - too many to name - if I forget you here, I haven't forgotten you).  I get stuck on the people who hurt me and I am going to TRY and let it go (if you know me, you know this isn't my strong suit.  I probably got it from my grandma Ann, who never let ANYTHING go).  It isn't worth it and I am sure nobody means to be hurtful, they just don't know how to be sensitive.  I am amazed by the quality of people that Ted has in his life as well (for the most part :)).  When we were on the East Coast (arguably one of the most vulnerable periods of time I have had since Maxie's passing), I felt embraced by love and support.  I was so impressed with the emotional maturity of his incredible friends and I grew to love them even more (and I have loved most of them from the very start).  When I have a rant on this blog, so many of the people who have made us feel so safe respond to me and feel bad and that makes me feel terrible.  Don't apologize.  You have been angels to us in the darkest moment of our lives.  We love you.  We know everyone is just doing the best they can....so are we.