Conversations

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Last night the nightmares came back.....STRONG!  Really bad ones.  I won't tell you about them all.  But, I will tell you about the one I had after finally falling back asleep at 4 am after almost 2 hours of lying awake with a racing brain.  I dreamt that another couple I know lost their child from SIDS too. They are a couple that I am friends with.  They had a baby around the same time as we had Max.  I dreamt that Bianca asked me why I hadn't called her yet...that she and I would be good support for each other.  I thought in my head about all of the cute Facebook photos I had seen of this baby and how sad that someone else I knew was going through this.  I thought of how sweet this couple is and it made me sick to know that their lives had been crushed like ours.  And, at the same time, I felt a huge relief that I had someone within my extended circle who could relate to me.  Someone who wouldn't see me as a freak show.  Someone who would know how hard this all is.  I woke up and remembered that this baby is still alive.  He is over one years old now.  He is probably super cute, but I wouldn't know because I avoid their Facebook photos.  I felt sad waking up and realizing that baby is alive and then I felt sick that any part of me wished that baby had died of SIDS.  

This super weird video was posted on another grieving mom's blog.  While I think it is so weird that they are all talking like robots, I also feel like most of the conversations I have with people about losing Max are robotic.  People are going through some weird motions with me.  Lots of times the conversations end with a proclamation about how the other person is going to go home now and hug their children extra tight.  (Strange.  When I broke up with my fiance, nobody told me that they were going to go home and hug their husband extra tight.  As taboo as that was, people still understood how to be sensitive to that much less of a big deal).  This is why I dread running into people.   I am afraid of weird robot conversations where I have to pretend anything at all is normal.  Luckily, I haven't had to have many of these conversations because I don't get out much.  My whole life, I have always run into people wherever I have gone.  When I was a teenager, this used to really impress my father.  Everywhere we went, I bumped into someone.  These days, I am trying to go places that I think nobody I know would go.  Honestly though, conversations like these don't only happen in person - they happen in emails and on Facebook and over the phone.  Makes me want to pack up and leave the country.  





7 comments:

Amy R said...

Oh wow, that is a strange video but i totally get why you shared it. It seems to illustrate some of those yucky conversations you have been having to have over the past 6 months. Thank you for posting it, Abby, and for continuing to be truthful. I'm am so sorry that you have to go through this. It's so horribly unjust to you and Ted...and to sweet Max, who should still be here with you.

Jessica said...

It still boggles my mind that people say those sorts of things to you guys and to other grieving parents. I am so sorry that in the midst of this unspeakable tragedy you find yourselves having to deal with this kind of insensitivity and hurtfulness. Hopefully this post will help people to understand what these conversations and communications feel like to a grieving parent. Hopefully it will help people to pause and think about how to communicate with sensitivity and thought. Again, I am so, so sorry that you find yourself having to post this. It is so tragic and unfair that you and Ted have to chart these waters. And, it is beyond tragic and unfair that Maxie is not here with his Mommy and Daddy. xo

Katie (LukeGrantsMom) said...

Thanks for posting that video. It is so real, but surreal, just like those conversations. I kept running a tally in my mind, “yep heard that…yeah I have heard that more than once…”. My “favorite” was God sending a replacement. That makes my toes curl. I remember one of my sister’s friends telling me at Luke’s service, “you are so strong, I just couldn’t handle it”. I literally had to walk away from her before I started punching.

Ckirscht01 said...

I have followed your blog for a while. We've never met, but Maxie's smile is so beautiful, that I come back regularly. He is not forgotten, not by a long shot.

Reading the post today, I realize that in the past I have probably said the wrong thing. For that, I am sorry. I care, I was trying, I just don't always know the right words.

Rebecca Patrick-Howard said...

I laughed when I watched this video. I have had these conversations. As for the charity events and such, I would love to do something. I've come up with ideas but so far I have been too depressed and/or sick to get motivated to do much, even in the planning parts of it. I haven't come up with an idea, either, regarding what the money could be used for. It took us about 9 months to come up with the money to buy Toby's headstone. Anything beyond that feels overwhelming...but I want to do it.

Kate Spitser said...

That video is surreal--but truly does show how much of a struggle it must be to have to be "out there" in the world after losing Max, and how awful and strange people behave. Thank you for sharing. xo

Steven Stuart said...

I just watched the video and it was so on the money with how people try to talk to you after your child dies. They say everything that they think is the right thing to say, but always say something totally stupid or insensitive instead. They do not want to face the fact that our children are, in fact, dead...but what they do not realize is that we have to face that fact every moment of every day of our lives and awkward silence or conversations do nothing but emphasize that point.

Some days I want to bring Colin's urn into the office and place it on the end of my desk. People would have to see it, see the fact that my son is dead and his remains are in there, and then they would have to deal with the urn and his death in order to deal with me. I know it is a bit morbid and twisted, but at least people would have to confront their own issues before having to deal with me.

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