Six Months Later...

Friday, January 20, 2012

I cannot believe it has been six months since the last time I held my baby...and at the same time, it feels SO much longer than that.  Things are really hard these days.  Our therapist tells us that six months is a really difficult period.  People have really moved on, everyone treats you like it's business as usual, and you continue to wake up every single day to the same painful nightmare.  Every day I think to myself, "I just need to make it through this day", but the truth is....then what?  I have to relive the same horror and pain the very next day.  What is the point?  Seriously.  I wake up every morning and the memory that there is no Max anymore hits me.  My chest feels heavy and my eyes fill with tears.  What is the point?  I really don't connect with anyone except Ted.  I don't have my baby.  I feel all alone.  It is like I am living in a different universe than anyone else I know.  They don't speak my language, they don't have my values, they aren't interested in my story.  I remember visiting a girlfriend in Amsterdam in my twenties and hanging out with her friends for days and nobody spoke English to me.  All conversation was in Dutch and I just sat there staring at people telling animated stories and laughing and looking over at me for recognition about the funny stuff going on and I was completely bewildered.  I just sat there breathing and blinking.  At least there were colorful buildings and people to look at.  I am having that experience again but everything is grey.  I can't follow the conversation.  I don't know what I am doing here.  My heart is hollow, the lump in my throat keeps growing, my head is spinning and I fantasize all day long about pushing my nose into the back of his little head and breathing in his baby scent....but I can't.  How did this become my life?

2 comments:

Bianca said...

I am so sorry that you are in this lonely new universe. I am so sorry perfect little Maxie isn't here with you and Ted. It is beyond me that such a sweet little family could have to face such agony and loss. It is so unfair and so sad.

Sari Stricke said...

Abby, the way you describe your feelings is beautiful and prayerful in the midst of the nightmare. I have a sense that doing this writing and acknowledging the depth of the pain and loneliness will contribute to healing. Sending you strength... Sari

Blog Design by Nudge Media Design | Powered by Blogger