Check ups

I used to look forward to taking Maxie to the pediatrician...is that sick?  I was excited to hear how well he was doing.  I liked to know how much he weighed and what percentile he was in for height and weight.  I liked knowing everything about him.  Most of all, I loved picking him up from daycare early and then getting to spend the afternoon with him.  I remember getting him a little early one day and then killing time with him in my car while we waited for the doctor's office to open after lunch.  I put on some music and the air conditioning and played with Maxie.  I had him stand on my lap and I sang, "I love everything about you!" (I think I might have made that song up) to him.  We smiled at each other.  I clapped his little hands together.  I covered his face in kisses.  Remembering these details breaks my heart.  I long to play with him like this again.  I remember talking to him and saying, "We are going to the doctor and he is going to give you a shot but I promise I won't ever let anything bad happen to you."  I meant it with all of my heart and then I failed.  I promised him I would never let anything bad ever happen to him and a week later he died.  When I looked into Maxie's eyes, I knew that there was nothing in my life, nothing at all more important than keeping this little boy safe.  And, I failed.  Everything else in the whole world is meaningless.

The way Max acted at the pediatrician was an inspiration to me.  I had a bad case of dequervains tendinites after having Max.  It is an acute pain that occurs in a mother's wrists after having a baby that makes them really weak.  I had to go to a hand specialist and have a shot of cortisone right in the wrist.  The needle was really long and it freaked me out....but, I thought about what a champion my little boy was every time he got a vaccination and figured, if he can do it, I can do it.  The fear went away and the cortisone shot corrected the problem immediately.

I remember once sitting at the pediatrician with Max on my lap, waiting in an examination room.  I was reading to him and he was sitting up very straight and was very happy.  The doctor came into the room and looked at us and he said, "He is in a good mood."  I said, "He is always like this," and the doctor said, "it probably helps that he is on his mommy's lap....his favorite place on earth".  Not sure why, but my heart swelled.  It is such a vivid memory.  Could it be that my lap was his favorite place on earth?  Having him on my lap was bliss.  My little man.  My little monkey.  My favorite person.  I am sick that I failed him, that I didn't protect him.  It is the only thing that ever mattered and now he is gone.