Where is the meaning?

I often feel like god is punishing me/us.  I wonder all of the time what I did to deserve this much pain. I know that Maxie did nothing wrong.  He was perfect.  If you know me, you know I am not at all religious.  I do, however, like the biblical stories and the mystery behind the women in the bible, probably inspired by one of my favorite books - "The Red Tent" and other feminist "midrashim" (Jewish stories told to illuminate parts of the biblical stories that have lots left untold) .  There are so many women in the bible who are mentioned under the most interesting circumstances but their stories seem half told.  For example, there is a story in the bible of David and Bathsheba, who had a baby boy who became sick and died after 7 days.  David cried and fasted and prayed, but the baby died anyway.   Just like we cried and prayed and begged for Maxie to live....just like friends and family around the world did the same.  I can only imagine that Bathsheba curled up in a ball and wished for the whole thing to just be a nightmare, just like I did. ...and god decided not to save Max anyway.  Some say that David and Bathsheba were being punished though, as their relationship began as an adulterous affair.  What are Ted and I being punished for?  I can't figure it out.  Ted says that I am trying too hard to figure out all of the answers to the universe and that nobody has been able to do it before me, so how would I think I am going to figure it out?  I may never have an answer.  David and Bathsheba went on to have another son - Solomon, who became king.  He was said to have been the wisest, most loved king of Israel.  Bathsheba must have been so proud.  I wonder if Bathsheba ever made peace with losing her first little boy.  She must have continued to long for him and the pregnancy with Solomon must have been so hard.  It sounds like King David made peace.  Like, he actually went on to embrace god again.  What boggles my brain is how something like this could bring anyone closer to god, but it does.  I read a LOT of blogs and honestly, the majority of the blogs I read are written by pretty religious people (not because I prefer religious blogs but I think that blogging might be more popular in the religious world?  Not sure.  Just seems that way perhaps).  They talk a lot about trusting god.  How could I ever trust god again?  Even to say, "I trust that this will never happen to us again" feels like I am tempting him (her).  Like I am asking for something terrible to happen.  I always believed in positive thinking but now I often wonder if this was god's way of showing us that it doesn't matter how we think, sh*t just happens.  Then I think, I should just think positively then because feeling such defeat all of the time just makes the time pass slower.  I have been making a list of my sins - I can be sarcastic, I am easily annoyed and get impatient a lot.  And, even though I have always had a lot of friends, I am not one of those people that just likes everyone.  Lots of people bug me.  Still, are these reasons to be punished?  Even the pollyanna-church/temple going, no-sinning bloggers have been punished, so what's the point?  I have no answers.  Just lots of pontification.  I will never understand the cruelty of this loss.  The loss of a beautiful, innocent, sweet, loving, and perfect boy who should be here for 80 more years at least.  I am so angry and I long for my Max.  Life is sometimes so unfair.  To be 100% honest with you - I don't really like this life of mine these days...just going through the motions.


rebecca Patrick-Howard said...

I think sometime people get confused by positive thinking. Just because I'm not positive 100% of the time doesn't mean I am negative...sometimes it means that by being aware that bad things can happen you are appreciating what you have even more.

Going through the motions is okay for awhile. I'm a big fan of faking it til you make it. I'm also a big fan of "The Red Tent." I like reading about "the rest of the story", so to speak.

I don't know how to handle a lot of the people I know, most of whom are extremely religious. They tell me that they will "pray for me." Pray for what? Toby's not coming back. The ship has sailed. Pray for me to be happier? I'm not UN-happy all the time-not even most of the time anymore. It just seems like something to say without any real meaning behind it anymore like, "Call me sometime and we'll do something." Sometimes I want to shout, "Instead of praying for me, call me and talk to me! Meet me for lunch! Come over for a visit! Invite me over to visit! Go to the movies with me! Meet my daughter who is now 6 months old and you've never seen!" These are things that would make a difference to me.

I am obviously having problems with religion at the moment.

Joyce said...

Abby, one of the hardest things I've had to do in my middle age is learn to accept the random nature of life (I haven't done it yet). For instance, I've always been afraid to fly (a control thing) but now I realize I also don't have control over if I wake up in the morning or have a heart attack, etc. So I guess the choice is that I can be worried, depressed and scared or I can embrace the randomness. How? I can allow it to free me from having to be in control of everything. Yes, the hardest thing I've had to learn in a long time but I don't want to live scared. Hang on girl.