Addict

I CANNOT BELIEVE I AM STILL DOING THIS.  I feel like an addict - just one more day without him.  Max was and is my addiction.  It started when he was born.  I was addicted to his smell, his smile, his personality.  Oh my lord!  I loved everything about him.  I RUSHED home to be next to him.  I couldn't get enough.  Now, I just need to make it through this one more day without him.  But, then there is another and another and another.  Seven months "sober".  I was living in a dream before losing Max.  I am seeing life differently than I ever did before....and it isn't nearly as pretty as I remember.  Where is the beauty and hilariousness that used to make me laugh?  Is grief clouding my vision or was I in fantasy land before this loss?  Sober living is forcing me to see things that I don't want to see.  I miss my Max so much.  Every day without my monkey is another kick to the gut.  My soul is melting away.  I'm scared to see who is going to be left standing in this body.

Grief is exhausting and all-consuming.  Knowing this is a lifelong journey makes the whole thing so much more overwhelming.  This isn't something I am going to get over.  It doesn't matter how much time I take.  This is something that I will carry with me forever.  I am just praying that every day brings me one step closer to Max.  Ted always says that the thing I need to work on most is my patience.  Max taught me a lot about patience.  Losing Max has been another kind of test in patience.  I have to be patient and somehow KNOW that Max and I will be together again and not rush to the finish line of life (but it is tempting sometimes).  I have to learn to live each day in pain and sorrow and incorporate those feelings into who I am instead of letting them consume my identity.  For now, and for the last seven months, I have been the grieving mother.  There are no other parts to my identity right now.  The days pass SO SLOWLY.  It doesn't matter if I am on the couch watching television the whole day or if I am busy with work and activities.  Just beneath the surface, my brain is singularly focused on Max and obsessing about his not being here.  The waves of grief hit me so hard, they literally rock my entire being.  There is no escape. There is no moving on.  I miss him so much.  I am an addict and I am going through a life-long withdrawal.