Another icky week

It was another hard week.  On Monday I spoke with my doctor, who had very generously offered months ago to go over all of Maxie's records (from the pediatrician, from the ER, from the PICU, from the Coroner's Office) and give me his professional opinion as to whether anyone had missed anything. I had begun to close that chapter of this story only a few weeks ago but speaking with him just re-opened the very newly scarring wounds.  The thought that anything at all could have been done differently for Max so that he would be here with me right now makes me want to die.  I mean, it is the one thing that literally makes me want to leave this life.  I won't get into all that he said, but it started off a very dark week for me.  I have had some terrible thoughts this week.  I am not sure how to move forward, accept what cannot be changed, and find some healing.  It is a complete nightmare.  The looming jury duty didn't help.

I DID get out of jury duty though.  My mom and I went down there (downtown) and then had to meet with a jury excuse interviewer.  Actually, they wouldn't let my mom in with me and the man bossing everyone around in mean "DMV style" made it clear to her that I am a big girl and can handle it on my own.  Little does he know that I can barely handle anything on my own anymore.  I sat down with the interviewer who looked over my excuse sheet where I had written, "My nine and a half month old son died seven months ago.  I am suffering from clinical depression and PTSD".  He read it over and then looked at me and said accusingly, "You know you need a doctor's note for this, right?".  The tears came pouring out as I explained that I had my doctor fill out a form already and we sent it in.  Then I gave him the notice I had received saying that my excuse had been rejected.  So, he sighed heavily and told me he'd go look for my original.  He was extremely put out by having to get out of his chair.  When he came back, he showed me, like the dummy I am, that I had not signed the form.  Indeed, somehow I had missed that.  There was a place for my signature at the bottom that I had missed.  "If you had signed that, you wouldn't have had to come down here", he said, annoyed.  So, then he started walking me through the whole form like I was a numbskull and explaining each section (even though I had filled the rest of it out properly).  "Well, what are you going to do with me?", I asked.  "I am not done explaining to you how this works", he said.  He really taught me a lesson.  After his explanation, he looked at me, crumpled in my chair, in a pool of my own tears and said "EXCUSED - you can leave!"  I am recognizing that it is a very important part of this process that I am DEGRADED every so often.  Losing my child never seems to be enough punishment in this lifetime.  My mom was so nice to take the whole morning off work, ride the subway to the courthouse with me and then go through the whole process with me while I literally barely held myself together.

This week also reinforced how much I HATE how angry I have become since Maxie's death.  I have some really icky thoughts - going back to my Inigo Montoya (Princess Bride) musings and wanting to get revenge on people who have caused me more pain during the last seven months.  I actually wrote a really long post about exactly the kinds of suffering I'd like to see those people go through but my grief counselor talked me out of posting it, for now.  This is about as close as I'll come to telling you what it entails but I DO have fantasies about pulling up a seat and some popcorn and watching the people who have hurt me suffer the way I have had to suffer.  The thought actually tickles me pink.  It makes me feel a little bit better to have even said that.  The original post made me feel REALLY good.  My type of revenge would be of the Inigo Montoya/Wesley ilk in that I would revenge "to the pain".  If you recall, Wesley threatens to fight the 6 fingered man "to the pain" - cutting off his nose and lips and limbs but leaving perfectly good ears so that the 6 fingered man would always hear the horrific screams of young children at his approach.  Unfortunately, I actually feel like I am the one who has been punished to the pain.  My most important pieces have been cut away forever and I am moving through this life hearing the sounds of happy parents and small children, causing me nothing but horror and pain.  I recognize it is a little different but, trust me - it's not THAT different.  When did god become Wesley and I become the 6 fingered man?

Other than all that, I have spent a lot of time this week just missing Maxie.  I loved his little fists and how he was always trying to get them fully into his mouth.  I miss his little drooley bibs and his baby breath.  I miss having my baby to love and to dote on.  I miss planning around his schedule and packing up bags for visits to Grandma's house.  I miss watching his eyes adjust to the light in the morning in his crib and his sweet smile.  I am nothing without him.  Not sure if or where I will ever find myself again.  Hoping that at least I will be found again with him, when this whole thing is all over, and we are together again in some other place.  That makes me smile.
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Sometimes I get so consumed with all of the bad in my life, I forget to mention the good. So, I need to mention my friends Ann and Jessica, who are both not only walking the 5k with our group but are also fundraising for Maxie's Forest. My mom and brother are also raising money through their participation in the 5k.  THANK YOU to all of them, and of course, my awesome sister in law, who is always fundraising for Maxie!  Ann started a few weeks ago and has already raised almost $500.  She also is the one who told the folks at Pure Barre in Brentwood about Maxie and his Forest.  Their donation classes tomorrow (one at 1:35 and one at 3) already have 28 people signed up.  It's so amazing!  I wish only the very best fairy tale Princess Bride parts on all of the people who have made us feel so loved and supported - even complete strangers.  A lot of friends have also already signed up for the Benefit.  Thank you for signing up early.  If you have not yet signed up and you plan on coming Click Here.  Our show line up is complete and our silent auction is filled with SO much awesome stuff.....I can't believe the generosity of our auction donors.
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