Perdido Sin Ti

Yesterday kicked my ass.  Just when you think you've seen how incredibly cruel life can be, you get a close up view of how cruel people can be.  I have had the theme song from the show "Damages" in my head all week:
When I get through with you
There won't be anything left....
When I get through with you
There won't be anything left...


It must be the Heavens serenading my soul.  I certainly get the point.  There is barely anything left.  I spent most of yesterday morning shaking, literally shaking.  Fear, anger, frustration, deep sorrow.  I will not leave this lifetime without having felt the full range of human emotions.  Is there anything left?  Probably - Greed, ego, loss of humanity.....I haven't felt them myself but I have seen them  - more up close in the last six months than ever before.


Two nights ago, I dreamt about my sweet boy.  I changed his diaper, twice.  That is just like I remember.  He always waited until I just about had his new diaper on to pee straight up into the air and all over the fresh new one (and my hands).  I cleaned him (and me) up and then just stood there, hovering over him, admiring all of his cuteness, cupping his face in my hands and kissing him.  Sometimes dreams can't last long enough.  Some people have told me that when I have those dreams, it is Max himself, making a visit to me to let me know he is ok and he is with me.  I am not sure then, how we explain the nightmares....of which I have so many.  If 4 out of every 5 dreams is a nightmare and the 5th one is sweet - I'll take it.  I love being with him in the sweet dreams.  I long to be with him all of the minutes of my day.


I have another song running through my head.  If you really know me, if you are one of my nearest and dearest, you won't be at all surprised to know that my song is by Ricky Martin.  While I love all types of music, my favorite is the kind en Espanol.  "Perdido Sin Ti" - Lost without you.  Obviously it's a love song, like most of the music that makes us think of our Max.  


I am lost without you
Don't leave me alone without you


This loss doesn't leave me alone
Stay in my house


Don't go.  Without you I lack everything
Wait - without you there's nothing left


Love. Stay. Love
Stay all of my life
Stay. I'm lost without you