Seven Months Later

I'm tempted to post this link and just leave it at that.  I am stealing the content off other grief momma blogs (I'm not the only one either.  I guess this link has received a lot of play).....I think I am doing it in part to prove again that I am not the only bereaved parent of a baby that feels the way I do!  See!  We ALL feel this way.  One of these days I will stop feeling the need to justify it (I hope).

Yesterday was a good day.  There, I said it.  I had two good days in one week.  Yesterday my mom and I went shopping at the Glendale Galleria and then went and got foot massages.  Then, my cousin Laurie came over last night and made us dinner (she forced her way in here even though I told her not to come....she is determined).  I actually had a "protective shield" around my heart in the mall while I passed all of the babies and strollers.  It didn't make me want to die, like usual.  Good days come with so much complexity, make no mistake.  I feel guilty for having a good day.  Can life be "good" without my baby?  The thought disgusts me.  The day after my good day with Molly, I had one of the worst of my journey in months.  And yet, I came to the realization earlier in the week that Ted and I actually DO deserve happiness and joy in our lives. I am not saying it will be easy to achieve - but, we do deserve it.  This is a huge shift for me.  This whole time I truly believed that I didn't deserve happiness if Max didn't get to have any.  I now understand what people have meant when they have said that Max wouldn't want to see us unhappy.  I am working hard to forgive the people that Max loved and that includes Ted and I.  We deserve some peace.  One of my great fears, however, is that the moment I start to feel some peace, the people surrounding me will think it's over, or that somehow the grief of losing Max was not that bad.  Is that a little crazy?  It will never be over.  I miss him and love him as much on a good day as on a bad day (which is with all of my heart and soul).  When you see Ted or I smile, or hear us make a joke, or we gossip with you about funny nonsense - that doesn't mean we are not still totally consumed with grief on the inside.  Don't let the facade fool you.  But, our souls need to take breaks once in a while because it isn't sustainable to feel the gut wrenching devastation on an ongoing basis.  I have felt it for 7 months TODAY and I am exhausted.  Again, I am surprised to still be standing and often still wish I wasn't.  But, somehow I had 2 days of lifted spirits and it gives me hope that there might be more in my future.

(Please, oh please, I beg of you - please don't tell me that you are glad I am "feeling better".  I KNOW it is so tempting.  I KNOW you think I am "better".  What I AM, is learning to cope with this life and it is the hardest thing I have ever done by miles and miles.)


Kim Nisbet said...

I am so happy I just read you are getting to the point of no justification!!! I was going to comment yesterday that you seem to waste energy on what other people think. you surround yourself (it seems) with people that you have nothing to prove to. It seems like the best place for you guys to be. catch up with the ignorant or closed minded people in the future if you want to. I read your blogs every day and anyone who would not understand by now what you need from them~ steer clear. you have written so beautifully about your family and deep raw emotions that people who know you personally (which I don't, I do Ted). they should just pound sand and talk to you when they can be compassionate and learn to listen.

Melissa Rossi said...

And you made Max happy. It wasn't enough time but that smile is genuine

robyn said...

i hate that you feel that you have to justify your grief to lost your baby, an experience no one should have to experience and for people to think this is a quick or easy process is naive. you are and will grieve for your loss and maxie's for as long as you need too.

please know that those that love and are close to you will never forget maxie, even when you have better days. hopefully those days will come with more frequency, but it will in no way lessen the loss and sadness we all feel for maxie, you and ted.

i love you abby.