Forgiveness

I have had all day to think about this.  Really, I have had more like seven months to think about it.  The death of Max has brought up a lot of anger...not just in me, in other people who loved Max as well.  The truth is that the anger doesn't really get us anywhere.  It really doesn't.  I can't help but be questioning.  I am his mother.  I wonder constantly what I could have done differently, what anyone could have done differently.  I cannot apologize for this.  It is human nature.  I can't help but feel protective.  I am extra fragile and probably way too vulnerable to able to hear what people are saying without feeling hurt.  I don't think that most of the comments people make are to hurt me.  I think they are made because people don't know what to say.  And, truthfully, there are people who have said and done things expressly for the purpose of hurting me, and even being mad at them doesn't help bring back Max.  All it does is sink me to a lower level of humanity than the plane the I operated on before losing my precious boy.  I can explain until I am blue in the face that my grief about Max is greater than the hurt anyone else has felt about my blogging or questions or feelings since then.  Again, there are people who just won't understand and it shouldn't matter either.  The most important thing here is that the world has lost a beautiful soul and that this soul has lost the opportunity to live what would have been a wonderful life.  Anger "does not serve me" (and I am actually using a phrase here that is a favorite of someone who really hurt me).  It is true though, it does not serve me.  Bad behaviour and mean comments and angry feelings just wash the beauty out of the memory of Max - who was none of these things.  He was beautiful and pure and trusting and loving.  I need to move forward and forgive.  I still have questions.....but, I forgive.  I have to or I will be stuck here forever.