Maxie's day at the park

Max only swung in a swing once....and I missed it because I was napping.  We had just flown across the country for a long weekend in CT for a wedding and to visit Ted's family.  We got in at 6 am and I was sleeping off my jet lag in the guest room Beth's house.  Ted and Gigi took Maxie to a little park near Beth's house.  I am so sad to have missed it, even though from what I understand, he didn't really like the swing.  Ted took lots of photos though.  I loved thinking about the future trips we would take to the park near our house.  It's walking distance.  I knew that when Max was old enough, that would be our perfect go-to weekend activity.  No swings, no parks, no more memories.  Does this really get easier?  Can't be.  I'm looking for the positive twist.  It was a lovely trip.  I loved having Maxie on my lap on the airplane out there.  He was such a good boy.  Being with him in CT is a nice memory.

I'm really trying to keep the icky out of my brain but it is so much easier said than done.  I had a melt down last night while watching the Oscars....brought on by a two second clip of James Earl Jones doing the voice for The Lion King.  We used to dance around the living room to hakuna matata.  It is crazy that my sole (soul) purpose in life right now is distraction.  That's it.  And, if anything at all creeps into my "distracted space" (because I am never really distracted), I lose it.  Ted was working on the renovation this weekend (I'll save that for another post) and had Pandora Radio playing and one of the songs from the Jack Johnson, Curious George CD, that we listened to every morning with Max, came on - I lost it.  I can't live like this.  But I have to.  This isn't living.  A mommy can't be without her baby.  But I have to be.  It's like I am living in the world's longest nightmare (forever).  I am not sure I'll be able to focus ONLY on good like I see some of the other bloggers who have lost children do.  I read their blogs and think, "Am I crazy for missing my baby so much?"  I don't want anyone who has lost their baby and feels like me to think they are crazy.  I'll still do my best to have as much positivity in here as possible over the next few weeks but I am trying to keep an accurate account of this "journey" (to hell - and hopefully back someday).


Tamar said...

I love these photos of your precious little monkey. Everyone in your life supports and loves you all the time regardless of how positive or distracted you feel on a given day. Please continue to write whatever you want on your blog - no matter how dark or sad or painful it is. We all know how hard you are trying to navigate this grief and it's clear that it's so difficult day after day after day. It isn't normal for a mommy to lose her baby, it isn't something you get used to, it is tragic and horrific and really there are no words for how terrible it is. You and Ted and Maxie are always in my thoughts. I love you all!

Sarah P. said...

I am a stranger but have been following your blog since last July because a friend linked to it on her Facebook page and I was so heartbroken to learn what had happened to you and your family. These pictures of Max in the swing are just perfection! He is so adorable and expressive. You can almost see on his little face what he might've been thinking that first time in the swing. I also wanted to say that it is beyond insane to me that someone would call the police about your Princess Bride post. I mean, WHAT?? Come on people. So ridiculous. I think you are accomplishing so much through this blog, not the least of which is an ongoing tribute to your beautiful boy, but also a very real and gut-wrenching chronicle of the depths and horrors of complicated grief. You are telling it like it is and, for that, I am so impressed, humbled, and grateful. Keep on keeping on, Abby, and don't forget to say "F*** the haters" every single day. I can almost guarantee that for every one loser out there who thinks you are crazy or over-reacting to the loss of your precious boy, there are 10 more of us who "get it" and who support you 100% -- and I haven't even met you. You are a beautiful woman, mother, and writer. Don't let anyone ever convince you otherwise.

Anonymous said...

I am also a stranger and came upon ur blog also from a mutual friend on Facebook. I clicked on it because the picture of ur son, max, was so adorable. I was so sorry to learn about what happened. I agree with the woman above. Not many people can possibly relate to what you must be going through. People should know that. I plan on making a contribution to help preserve max's memory. I think the forest is an amazing idea.