Someone to relate to

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

I don't think I really need to spell out that I have been in a DEEP depression for months.  I hardly leave my house.  I wear the same clothes over and over.  I don't really see friends and family very much.  I watch a lot of television.  So, when I see depressed people on TV, I become curious.  The "Jersey Shore" actually became interesting to me for a few weeks when poor Vinnie went through a mild depression.  His friends didn't know what to do with him.  They kept trying to get him out to the clubs to "party".  They didn't understand why the usual getting drunk and picking up chicks didn't pull him out of his anxiety and sorrow.  He tried over and over to explain that he just needed to go home and then they would surprise attack him for a night of boozing - only making the situation (no pun intended) worse.  I could relate.....TO VINNIE.  (Dear Lord, what has become of me?)  So, yesterday, I turned on the tv in the middle of a "Khloe and Lamar" episode.  I do not watch this show.  I promise.  And, you KNOW I would admit it if I did.  But, anyway, Lamar was visiting a friend who was in a deep depression.  He was laying around in a messy apartment, looked like he hadn't showered in a while, he hadn't been seen by friends in a I kept watching.  What does HE have to be so depressed about?  Instead of learning about this mystery man, I got stuck on Lamar's pep talk, in which he started talking about when HE went through something.  He kept saying, "When the baby died...".  "When the baby died, I didn't think I'd ever play basketball again." or "When the baby died, I didn't want to see anyone".  WTF?!  What baby?  I went searching online to see what the hell he was talking about and I found this:

It turns out his baby died...of 61/2 months old.  It sounds like he went into a deep depression, lasting months.  He hid out from family, from friends, didn't know if he would play basketball again.  Oh man, I could totally relate to everything he was saying.  Finally he chose life...I am hoping I might get there someday too.  You know who else has lost babies from SIDS?  Robert Redford and Lloyd Bridges.  Why do I know this?  Because I spent HOURS on the internet in the early months of this loss looking for anyone who had been through what I have been through and had ANY words of wisdom to share.  All I have really learned is that everything I have gone through losing Max is what everyone goes through when they lose their babies.  We just handle it differently.  Somehow that's comforting to me.  

I showed this clip to Ted last night, thinking that maybe it would be comforting to him too.  I don't think it was.  His eyes got so sad.  He face hung for a little while.  He got really quiet as he just stared at Maxie's photos on the walls.  I keep relearning the lesson that Ted and I are handling this loss differently.  He is much better at being out in public, making small talk, listening to friends talk about their worries, going through the motions.  Whereas I am holed up in the house, searching for answers, reading 1000 books, visiting therapists, mediums, spiritual guides, and talking to other parents who have lost children.  We are both trying to navigate this road together but we are doing it so differently.  I am looking for people to relate to.  He doesn't bother because he doesn't think anyone can really understand.  We can relate to each other though.  The loss of Maxie is SO present for both of us all of the time. We miss him so much and nobody can better understand our loss than we can.  We are the only parents who lost OUR Maxie.  Part of this journey for us has just been trying to figure out what the other one needs.  We don't always get it right but we keep trying.  After all, there really is nobody better to relate to what I am going through than my husband.  For that, I am grateful.  


Ruby De Santiago said...

I'm a stranger. I found you through Molly's blog. I think you are an incredible woman. I clicked on your link just out of curiosity and ended with a a big box of kleenex. I don't have words. Just by reading I can sense so much love and devotion. Thank you for your example.

Rebecca Howard said...

I remember when I first heard about Lamar's baby dying of SIDS. This was before I lost Toby. I felt so awful for him. Now I feel connected to him. Which is weird since I am not a Kardashian fan. I guess since he is one by marriage makes it okay.

Octavia FlyswithRobins said...

Hi, I've been silently reading your blog for a few weeks now. I lost my son to SIDS in March last year and I just want you to know that you are not alone in feeling the way you do. Nearly everything you write I can relate to and feel the exact same way. My heart just breaks knowing that someone out there is in just as much pain as I am. Your Max is such a little cutie and I can tell you love him very very much.

angie williams said...

Our daughter died but not of SIDS. I worry and stress and cry over having a rainbow baby. I fear we will loose another child.. But then I read inspiring blogs like this one.. I had no idea about Lamar's baby until my mom called to tell me. I wish more celebs would talk about baby loss. It might make life just a 'little' bit easier when it happens. I hope you can stop by and take a read at my blog. xxoo

angie williams said...

might have helped if I gave my blog address ha ha

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