Someone to relate to

I don't think I really need to spell out that I have been in a DEEP depression for months.  I hardly leave my house.  I wear the same clothes over and over.  I don't really see friends and family very much.  I watch a lot of television.  So, when I see depressed people on TV, I become curious.  The "Jersey Shore" actually became interesting to me for a few weeks when poor Vinnie went through a mild depression.  His friends didn't know what to do with him.  They kept trying to get him out to the clubs to "party".  They didn't understand why the usual getting drunk and picking up chicks didn't pull him out of his anxiety and sorrow.  He tried over and over to explain that he just needed to go home and then they would surprise attack him for a night of boozing - only making the situation (no pun intended) worse.  I could relate.....TO VINNIE.  (Dear Lord, what has become of me?)  So, yesterday, I turned on the tv in the middle of a "Khloe and Lamar" episode.  I do not watch this show.  I promise.  And, you KNOW I would admit it if I did.  But, anyway, Lamar was visiting a friend who was in a deep depression.  He was laying around in a messy apartment, looked like he hadn't showered in a while, he hadn't been seen by friends in a while....so I kept watching.  What does HE have to be so depressed about?  Instead of learning about this mystery man, I got stuck on Lamar's pep talk, in which he started talking about when HE went through something.  He kept saying, "When the baby died...".  "When the baby died, I didn't think I'd ever play basketball again." or "When the baby died, I didn't want to see anyone".  WTF?!  What baby?  I went searching online to see what the hell he was talking about and I found this:

It turns out his baby died...of SIDS....at 61/2 months old.  It sounds like he went into a deep depression, lasting months.  He hid out from family, from friends, didn't know if he would play basketball again.  Oh man, I could totally relate to everything he was saying.  Finally he chose life...I am hoping I might get there someday too.  You know who else has lost babies from SIDS?  Robert Redford and Lloyd Bridges.  Why do I know this?  Because I spent HOURS on the internet in the early months of this loss looking for anyone who had been through what I have been through and had ANY words of wisdom to share.  All I have really learned is that everything I have gone through losing Max is what everyone goes through when they lose their babies.  We just handle it differently.  Somehow that's comforting to me.  

I showed this clip to Ted last night, thinking that maybe it would be comforting to him too.  I don't think it was.  His eyes got so sad.  He face hung for a little while.  He got really quiet as he just stared at Maxie's photos on the walls.  I keep relearning the lesson that Ted and I are handling this loss differently.  He is much better at being out in public, making small talk, listening to friends talk about their worries, going through the motions.  Whereas I am holed up in the house, searching for answers, reading 1000 books, visiting therapists, mediums, spiritual guides, and talking to other parents who have lost children.  We are both trying to navigate this road together but we are doing it so differently.  I am looking for people to relate to.  He doesn't bother because he doesn't think anyone can really understand.  We can relate to each other though.  The loss of Maxie is SO present for both of us all of the time. We miss him so much and nobody can better understand our loss than we can.  We are the only parents who lost OUR Maxie.  Part of this journey for us has just been trying to figure out what the other one needs.  We don't always get it right but we keep trying.  After all, there really is nobody better to relate to what I am going through than my husband.  For that, I am grateful.