Renovations

I deactivated my Facebook account and I deleted the application from my iphone.  And while I won't be able to promote Maxie's benefit there and people won't just happen by my page and learn about Maxie, I think in the long run it will be better for my soul.  The benefits outweigh the "consequences" (a word that is mostly meaningless to me at this stage).  A quick email exchange with the daddy who writes Off the diving board was what finally pushed me towards making this decision.  I share his jaded view of social media since our sons died (ironic, since we both write blogs).  I should have done it a long time ago.  So - post away - talk about trading in your kids for new Jimmy Choos, gush about how cute your kid is and comment on everyone else's while you are at it, post one million photos of your baby's first day at preschool (not that you needed my permission....since you were doing those things anyway....as you should....as that is what Facebook is there for).  I am not there anymore and that part of my horror show is over for now.  Perhaps one day it will make sense again but not now.

And, speaking of getting rid of old stuff.  We (I should say Ted) is/are renovating our master bathroom and closet.  It has been the plan since we bought our house to tear out the back bathroom (I detest it) and our closets and for Ted to design and renovate the whole area.  The demolition begins this weekend.  So, I am cleaning out my closets and, like everything else I do, it makes me sad.  I have two bags filled with old dresses and suits - size 4s and 6s.  So many cute clothes.  Colorful, some sexy, some professional, some pretty dresses, some fitted suits.  I put them all in the bags to give away to Goodwill.  I can't picture myself ever wearing them again.  Unlike everyone else I know who lost their baby weight and has a beautiful, healthy baby (or more than one) to love: back in their pre-pregnancy clothes, enjoying their lives, I never lost the weight of having my beautiful baby and I don't even have my baby to show you why it was all worth it (though OBVIOUSLY it was) - Even though I did Weight Watchers for breastfeeders from 6 weeks post pregnancy until 8 months, even though I did kickboxing and walking all over the neighborhood and trying to squeeze visits to the gym into my schedule when I could, even though I switched to the regular Weight Watchers program when Max stopped breastfeeding and I started cycling for an hour 3 days a week.  Even still - I was still many pounds overweight when Max stopped breathing and I never lost it - even though most days afterwards I forgot to eat until dinner time.  And, honestly, most of me doesn't even care.  I spent so much time in my first 37 happy years worrying that I wasn't thin enough, or pretty enough, that I didn't have good enough skin or hair or whatever.  I wish I could take it all back.  I look at old pictures of me and I think - "That girl WAS pretty enough.  She was happy."  I threw away all of my party clothes because I can't imagine ever going back to the party.  I can't imagine ever having an occasion to wear a fancy dress to or fitting into the fancy dresses I have anyway.  I feel stupid keeping any of it - so many pairs of shoes.  I have worn nothing but sweats and knock off UGGs for nearly six months now.  Sometimes people tell me that if I wore nicer clothes, I would feel happier....good advice, I'm sure, but NOTHING has fit me except maternity clothes since I got pregnant with Max.  Lucky Ted!  You see, I am not only mourning the loss of Max, I am mourning the loss of myself, which I am much less sad about losing, but still sad nonetheless.

Another good reason to have deactivated my Facebook account.  I have no plans of updating it with anything other than information about Max, which you can read right here if you want.  I won't be posting photos of me at a party or dancing with my baby or wearing the suit and posing with my donors....because I don't do any of those things anymore.  My new normal.....aren't you jealous?