They say that with grief you are always taking two steps forward and one step back.  It is one of the hardest parts about this second year for me.  I wish I could find myself at a new level and know that I would be able to count on staying there...but I can't.  Just when I start to feel comfortable in a new place, it all comes crashing back down on me.

I am having a hard week.  I seem to have those immediately following fun trips or good times.  The "hangover" from fun seems to include lots of questioning, heartache, longing and self pity.  Just like with alcohol, I have to start thinking about whether the hangover is really worth the good time.  I almost do better just being locked away, on my own, in my own house, with no adventures.  I can see why people become hermits.  It's just easier to dwell in what I know and can count on.

My head still hurts.  It's pounding, in fact.  I am scouring the internet for stories of hope and inspiration and coming up with the same old stuff.  I am halfway through about ten books that I started, hoping that they could help fix me.  I can't get through them.  They are all the same.  There is no recovery for what's happened to my family.

Countless bereaved parents have told me that time makes it easier....and it is true.  What I guess isn't so clear is that "easier" is still really effing hard.  It is SO hard.  I just want to have a simple life again.  But, I miss my son too much.  I just miss him so so so much.  I have mini surprise attacks of grief throughout the day.  Sitting at my desk and working one minute, quietly sobbing in the bathroom the next.  And, yet, this is "easier" than what it once was.  "Easier" is by no means "Easy" and it is killing me.


Tiffany said...

"There is no recovery for what's happened to my family." this is what i am learning too. we will never be made whole again.

The Blitz said...

Sending you positive vibes and good thoughts...sarah

GrahamForeverInMyHeart said...

You're right, none of the books and blogs and other things we read can ever make us better. There is only one thing that can make us better and that is to have our children back. Everything else is a distraction or an ineffective substitute.
However, there is a bit of solace in knowing that there are other people who, unfortunately, understand the depth of our losses. It would be even worse if we didn't all have each other.

Bianca said...

Sweetie, you and your family are lovely and deserve the simple happiness that has been taken from you. I'm endlessly sorry it's so complicated and painful. I'm mostly just so sorry that Maxie isn't here. Sending love to him and all of you. xo

Taryn said...

Abby, I've been thinking about you, your babies and husband. You're in my prayers and on my mind. Big hugs!

Jayden's Mommy said...

Abby........ All i can tell you is I wish you lived around the corner I could just go and give you a hugg look at Mo and bring Kyle over and try to smile because they do bring us some bittersweet hope that we must continue in this life because they need us so much. Much Love.