You think you know...

There used to be this show on MTV called "Diary of..." on which they would profile some pop star by mixing up bio material and also following them around for a few days.  The tagline of the show was, "You think you know....but you have no idea"... Like either the show was going to give us a greater insight into the true nature of the profiled pop star or that the opposite would happen - we'd walk away from the television thinking we had the whole picture but we'd be completely wrong.

The tagline has been looping over and over in my brain for about a week now - knowing that keeping an online journal doesn't touch the surface of the complicated picture of what it is to be living without my child and the nightmare of his death - knowing that those of my people who actually read my blog think that they know, but that they have no idea.  The blog either provides some greater insight into our devastation or it gives the impression of providing greater insight.  But, truly it probably really doesn't do either of those things.  

The only thing to do is to stop worrying what anyone else thinks that they know.  To stop reacting to the presumption of others when they think that they know what is best for me, or when they think that they know how I feel, or when they declare that they would have grieved differently.  They think that they know, but they have no idea.

They have no idea what it is to lose your very soul.  They have no idea what it is like to have your heart ripped out of your chest and stomped on.  They have no idea what it is like to lose Maxwell Judah Leviss - the most beautiful person I had ever known - my most prized love - the most important person in my life - the one who changed everything that I had ever known in the most beautiful and miraculous way possible.  My baby.  You may think you know.....

Impossible!