Forgetful

Sunday, February 17, 2013

I am a forgetful person.  I don't remember the specifics of things that have happened to me.  I have friends who joke that if it weren't for them, I wouldn't remember the important details of my life.  Old friends make "inside jokes" to me and although I remember that the joke is funny, I often don't remember why and I need to be reminded.  Kind of pathetic!

Only - it's gotten WAY worse....like, WAY WORSE!  I can't remember things people tell me about their lives.  I read whole books and then forget what they were about by the next week.  My new job is as a grant writer - I have created a complex set of calendar reminders, spreadsheets and folders to remind myself of the work I've done.  I mean, I will literally write an eight page grant and a week later, I can't really remember doing it.  Yesterday, Ted and I stopped for gas and I couldn't remember which side of the car my gas tank is on.  I've had the car for six years already.  It's bad.

My mom has been telling me that since losing Max, she has got the same thing going on.  Just a complete inability to remember anything - conversations with people, important dates, details of things that have happened to her.  Remembering stuff has never been her strongest trait either.  I suspect that between the two us, we *might* be able to piece together a memory or two - then again - maybe not.  Again, it's not good.

I suspect that being in deep grief along with being a mother to a six and a half month old is a tough combination on the brain.  I always hear other mothers talking about "mommy brain".  What I've got is that - times a thousand.  I am using a lot of brain power just getting through each day.  I need to be constantly encouraging myself and working out in my head how I am going to continue on with my life and find meaning.  I literally am my own cheerleader - every minute of every day and I am often too exhausted to keep encouraging myself.  That's when I slip back into the deep pain like I did last week. I am actually surprised that I remember to get done as much as I do.  I should be proud of that really.  I hold down a job, I make dinner every night, I pay bills, exercise, and take care of Mo.  What I guess I am saying is - go easy on me.  Please.  I am going to do my best to remember stuff - but my brain just doesn't work like it used to.

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