Emotionally exhausted

I don't know how else to say it.  I am just so emotionally exhausted.  I miss my baby....my child.... so so much.  I am so sad that he is not here.  I am so sad that he doesn't get to live his life.  He was and is so loved.  I am mentally spent from working so hard all of the time to push sad and scary thoughts out of my head.  I am tired of acting healed and sometimes I feel so tired from trying to make the people around us feel comfortable.  Though my heart is getting used to carrying around all of this pain now...it isn't any easier - just different - less chaotic feeling.  It doesn't feel so excrutiating anymore because I am no longer SO uncomfortable with being in pain.  I just expect to feel pain - all of the time.

Mo is six months old, which is SUCH a fun age.  But I can't help it - I am scared out of my mind.  I am madly in love with him....just like I felt about Max at six months.  It just feels so heavy.  I just feel heavy.  The whole thing is just - HEAVY.  I wonder if a day will ever come when I can feel some peace again.

I have no idea how to handle what I am going through.  There seems to be no trusted path through this.  Everyone just does whatever works for them.  I wish there was a plan that I could follow to get me through this grief.  I guess the point is that I am stuck with it for life and there are still days where I just want out.  I would love to be with Max again.  I miss him so much.  But I remind myself of all of the love that I have for Ted and Mo and it pulls me back to earth, where I am just trying to get through it all.

1 comment

Bianca said...

I so sorry, with all my being, that you don't have Maxie here and the easier, joyful path of seeing all of your boys every day.