With everything that I am

My eyes are puffy and red this morning and my head is aching - because I cried myself to sleep last night.  Coming back to this home, feels like coming home to Maxie in a way...except that we never actually do come home to Maxie.  He is gone forever and it stings and hurts so much.  It is like a knife in my chest, and last night I couldn't even breathe.  I sat on the couch sobbing, my sputtering breath stammering through my lungs.  I moved to the bed, lying on my back, and I could not get a full breath.  Finally, I had to just focus on being still.  Eventually, I fell asleep.

There is nothing more important in my life than being a mother.  Nothing.  And, my baby is gone.  And, as much as I love Mo (SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much) - that is how much I love/loved Maxie.  With everything that I am.  My children are in the fibers of my soul.  And he is gone.  It is completely horrifying.  I am completely crushed.  My heart is so broken.  I can't believe I have made it this far without him.  I miss him so much.  I long for him so completely.  I feel so empty without him.  I hate these words!!!!!!!!!! I HATE words period - because they do NOTHING to describe how empty and alone I feel without my child. 

My insides are black.  My lungs are made of sticky tar that won't open to let the air in or out.  My brain is crushed and full of glass - cutting and cutting my thoughts to pieces.  Nothing I know has ever mattered.  I can't count on anything at all.  I am sick and tortured and it's all too too too too much.

I am aching for Max.  With everything that I am.


Egreeno said...

As ways words do not suffice to convey how deeply sorry I am that Maxie is gone!! Sending you all my love

Seeing Each Day said...

You're right - words are ridiculously futile sometimes - especially when I type 'I'm sorry' to you. It's so SO much more than 'I'm sorry' I hope the puffiness in your eyes have lessened and that the pain in your head has cleared. But thank you for telling me what you went through last night - if nothing else, I was listening. Renee