Cat Naps

I wake up every morning and think "Maxie is dead" and that basically sets the tone for my entire day.  This morning it took 30 seconds before I remembered and then I felt my stomach sink.  Most nights I dream about Max.  The dreams usually have a frantic pace, like a competitive reality television show.  Last night, I dreamt that I had to find all of Max's baby gear, which had been put away all over the place in various lockers around some international destination.  I had to remember which lockers held my baby's stuff before I could get him from daycare.  Somehow, if I showed up without it, he wouldn't be released to me.  So, I ran around, took buses and boats to locations with rooms full of lockers, tried hard to remember which locks were mine, racked my brain for the combinations.  I went to the daycare without having been able to open any of the lockers and tried to beg for Max, but I couldn't even see him there.  So many hoops to jump through every night to get to Max and in the end, I never get him back.  It is making me sick. My life feels totally purposeless without him.  He was the light of my life, my very most important reason for being.

I have been putting off going back to my office, doing my work from home instead.  I had actually been working several days a week from home since Max was born, so it is something that I am not sure if I couldn't continue.  I guess we will see.  I am meeting with my boss this week.  I am not sure if he just wants to check in and see how I am doing or it if this is the moment where he is going to ask me to step up to the plate.  I know that I am not ready.  I have a pretty public job.  The kind of job where, in order to do it well, I need to be "on" all of the time.  I am not "on" any of the time.  My own friends and family feel uncomfortable around me.  I had a friend tell me that she felt bad that our encounter earlier in the week was awkward.  I had to explain to her that everyone's encounters with me are awkward, it wasn't just her.

When Maxie was really little, I used to take little cat naps with him.  There was something about his little face facing mine that was so peaceful and I would drift into sleep, opening one eye every couple of minutes and smiling to myself.  No dreams.  Just lovely time with my baby.  When Max would start to stir, I would wrap my arms around him, breathe him in and kiss his little face all over.  When he got a little bigger, he didn't like napping with me anymore.  I MISS our little cat naps.  I MISS my MAX!