FURIOUS

One of the emotions that I feel every single day at some point is complete rage.  I usually don't let it last for more than a few minutes and it always just creeps up on me and smacks me in the face.  Either I will see an email in my work inbox from a certain person, or I will hear their name in conversation, or I will think about a time in the future where I will have to see them.  There are certain interactions that I had since Max died, that if I think about at all - all I feel is FURY!  I often fantasize about telling you exactly what was said and by whom so that you might feel a bit of rage towards these people as well.  Sometimes I want them to be outcast and treated like dirt, the way they treated me like dirt when my baby died.  But, then I don't sell them out because 1) one of them already called the cops on me for something I posted on this blog that they found threatening, just truly wasn't....in fact, you can read it yourself by clicking here and 2) It wouldn't really get me anywhere.  It would just be a way to try and hurt them as much as they hurt me.  There are about ten of these people whose actions stand out to me...that are a heavy part of my PTSD...that I can hardly stand thinking about.  When their actions or words cross my mind at all, I literally have to shake them off and force myself to think about something else.  If I think about these people at all, I get completely worked up so much so that my whole body shakes.  The truth is that MOST people in our lives have done their very best.  Most people, even if they have accidentally hurt my feelings, even if it has happened more than once - I know that it has been an accident.  But, these ten or so people - I almost wonder if they have gone out of their way somehow to hurt me.  None of these people I am talking about has lost a child.  All of these people in fact have living, healthy children (except two - who will likely one day have children, just don't yet).  I worry about the next time I will see one of them - will I run into them in the market or somehow have to interact with them for work or see them at a family function?  What will I say?  Will I confront them?  Will I just smile and pretend like I have forgotten the horrible way that they treated me and/or Ted in our most devastated and vulnerable hours?  Until then, I just try to shove the feelings down as much as possible and change my thoughts to something else when I can.  I don't have a huge selection of positive things to turn my thoughts to since Max died and I can't just think about Mo only all of my waking hours but, still, I try not to think of these people because it just gets me angry.  I am trying really hard to be as positive as possible.  I am trying really hard to be a pillar of strength and move on with my life as positively as possible.  Still, I can't help but wonder and feel enraged!  How can people be so insensitive and cruel?  What is wrong with people? And, what makes me even more mad is that MOST of these people are people that I have gone out of my way to support!  People that I have defended, and praised and gone to bat for time and time again.

Whether or not I had ever lost Max, I would NEVER, EVER treat someone else the way that these people have treated us.  NEVER!  To treat a person going through hell with anything less than compassion is despicable.  I have never felt so much rage in my whole life as I have since Max died.  What I feel most furious about though is that Max, is gone.  I am just totally effing out of my mind FURIOUS about it.  So, I leave you with that as I face yet another day of this "new normal" NIGHTMARE of mine: my life without Max!