11-8-11

Ted and I got married on 9-6-9 and Maxie was born on 10-7-10, so we definitely thought something big would happen on 11-8-11. We are flying home today. I need to be home so bad, where I can feel Maxie's spirit. I haven't felt him in so long. I continue to be astounded by how much worse this feels every day. I hate life without him. I don't recognize myself. I am fat and unattractive and wear the saddest face. I also decided to go brunette and the woman who cut my hair gave me a Rachel from Friends haircut, circa 1995. So, the few times I have tried to look presentable, I have had to struggle with my hair to keep it from turning me into a complete laughing stock. I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I want to thank those people this weekend who made a special effort to make me feel more comfortable in my skin. Who were t afraid to acknowledge our pain, who spoke about Maxie and asked questions about who he was. I know it is hard for you to talk about him. I know you think if you mention him, I will cry. If you don't mention him, I go home and cry harder. But, I do get it, it's hard for you.. And that is ok. Those of you who made a point to say something, helped me feel more significant, which is not something I feel anymore. I am not a mother, I am not pretty, I am not thin, I am not functional, I can't control my own body. This weekend was hard. Thanks to those of you who made it a little easier. Let's see if 11-8-11 ends up being anything big.