Ted and I got married on 9-6-9 and Maxie was born on 10-7-10, so we definitely thought something big would happen on 11-8-11. We are flying home today. I need to be home so bad, where I can feel Maxie's spirit. I haven't felt him in so long. I continue to be astounded by how much worse this feels every day. I hate life without him. I don't recognize myself. I am fat and unattractive and wear the saddest face. I also decided to go brunette and the woman who cut my hair gave me a Rachel from Friends haircut, circa 1995. So, the few times I have tried to look presentable, I have had to struggle with my hair to keep it from turning me into a complete laughing stock. I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I want to thank those people this weekend who made a special effort to make me feel more comfortable in my skin. Who were t afraid to acknowledge our pain, who spoke about Maxie and asked questions about who he was. I know it is hard for you to talk about him. I know you think if you mention him, I will cry. If you don't mention him, I go home and cry harder. But, I do get it, it's hard for you.. And that is ok. Those of you who made a point to say something, helped me feel more significant, which is not something I feel anymore. I am not a mother, I am not pretty, I am not thin, I am not functional, I can't control my own body. This weekend was hard. Thanks to those of you who made it a little easier. Let's see if 11-8-11 ends up being anything big.

1 comment

Anonymous said...

Hi Abby, I read your post about the race and am so impressed with Beth and I don't even know her! My heart broke at your terrible panic attack and I am just thankful that you were not alone and were ultimately able to spend some time with the people that you love. In my eyes, you remain a mother, a wonderful mother at that, although I know you don't feel that way right now. Even in Maxie's death, you are protecting his spirit, making sure he lives on, and that is an amazing testament to your journey as Maxie's mom. Thinking of you.

Lesley Adams