You're so vain....

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

You probably think this post is about you....

I think it is important to start this post by saying that I probably am not talking about you.  Most every single person who has been close to us through the years has gone above and beyond to make sure we know how much we are loved, but, I have also found that the people who always think it is about them are the ones who keep hurting me.  I am angry today.  Just so angry.  There are people who keep letting me down.  They interact with me as if it is somehow all about them.  They reach out to me to feel good about themselves, not because they are interested in how I feel.  And, it is obvious.  I am not saying that they 100% do not care about me, I am saying, they are mostly thinking about themselves.  They want to tell me all about their kids and all about their awesome lives (which is fine) or they just want to talk about some issue that is happening at work but when I bring up Max, it becomes a battle.  They get defensive.  "I was just trying to help", they say.  Really?  The most helpful thing you can do is listen to me, is to try and understand me.  If I was longing to shoot the shit and jib jab about life, I have at least 100 people I could call (and I am grateful to those 100 people for being in my lives...and I look forward to jib jabbing with them in the future).  I am focused on my loss.  If you thought I would be able to focus on anything else, you were mistaken and I apologize.  But, I am also angry today that I NEED to apologize.  That I need to worry about whether bumping into me will be uncomfortable for you, or that when you come over you don't feel so awkward, or that you will be uncomfortable if I bring up Max.  I love my son as much as you love yours.   I am just not lucky enough to hold him in my arms.  I am not lucky enough to tell you stories about what silly thing he did yesterday.  I am not lucky enough to watch him grow up.  I am looking for support (and to be honest....I am not even really looking for it).  I don't call you up and ask you to come over (with the exception of maybe 2-3 people), I don't ask for you to help me think through a problem I am having, I don't ask you for anything really if you think about it.  But if I want anything from you, it is for you to help me get through this.  I am a lucky girl in that I have got a lot of friends.  I have a lot of close friends, from growing up, from high school, from college from post college...  I have put many of these friendships aside for the time being so that I can heal.  I don't need you in my sacred space right now.  I am figuring out how to heal with the help of my husband, my family, a few friends and some professionals.  So, I guess what I am saying is that you aren't really doing me a favor by checking in if you can't handle what you are going to hear from me.  If hearing how miserable it is to live without my son feels aggressive to you, you should probably acknowledge that you aren't capable of handling this kind of grief, and that is ok.  If you come to me asking how you can help and I ask for your help...don't act surprised.  We aren't in a battle.  I am telling you how you can help me.   If this post makes no sense to you....I am not talking to you.  Right?  Make sense?  If I tell you what I need but you would rather shoot the shit, I don't have room for you right now.  It isn't because I don't like you or because I am not being fair.  It is because I am dealing with shit you can't even imagine (and more than likely, you have repeatedly told me that you can't imagine it).  Anyway, some days I wake up angry.  Today is one of those days.

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