The Dream

Most of the time, it feels like my brief 9 and a half months as Maxie's mommy was just a dream.  I feel like I am writing about it all in part to prove that it really happened.  I wanted to be a mommy forever.  I never knew it would be as wonderful as it was.  I think that I had only been prepared for the hard parts (which were indeed hard).  I knew I would feel abundant love for this child, but I had no idea how that love would transcend any feeling that I had ever had before.  There are no words.  It is the most pure, deep, and satisfying love there is.  I have this terrible waking nightmare about looking back at my life and remembering that I was a mother once, for nine and a half months, to the most beautiful and wonderful child, and that is the end of my motherhood story.  Maxie's death cannot be the end of my motherhood story.  It just cannot be!  I am gripped with fear and I wonder if I could ever love another child as deeply as Max anyway.  Even if I only loved another child half as much, it would be a love that would be so consuming and pure.  A child who was loved even a quarter as much as I loved Max would never feel anything from me but deep and penetrating adoration.  I am assured that parents love all of their children equally.  That is very comforting to know.  To the rest of the world, it has been not even four months since Max died.  For me, it feels like decades.  I have aged at least that much.
My little dream baby.  Almost too cute to have been real


Jenny Romanowski said...

You will you will you will!!! Your body will know when the time is right..when it is ready and can handle the stress of carrying another life! I worried about the same thing with each child I had. My first I loved so shockingly stronge I never imagined loving anything or anyone else as much, but I did. Each child is different so each love is different but they are all just as stronge and passionate from your soul! You have so much to offer and so much love to give. Do not let go of motherhood no matter how you feel now. Maxie deserves to be a brother just as much as you deserve another chance at motherhood! As always positive thoughts of you always

Tallie Fishburne said...

I can't say it more beautifully or perfectly than Jenny already did. So I'll ditto all of that and also mention that you were, are, and will always be a mother. Sending you a big hug and a squeeze. xoxox