Ramblings of a grieving brain

The only way that I can "distract" myself is by reading.  The books I read seem to fall into one of two categories: Grief and Loss (specifically of babies and children) or Afterlife and Reincarnation.  I tried to get started on a "No. #1 Ladies Detective Agency" book that my mom read recently and enjoyed.  I made it through about half of the first chapter and couldn't continue.  Cute and upbeat isn't for me.  I like my books dark and broody.  I am currently juggling two books: "Healing through dark emotions"and "The Tibetan book of living and dying".  The first book is written by a woman who lost a child.  She had a stillbirth.   I have started several books that are specifically written for woman who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss.  Here is the thing though, every single one of them focuses on how sad it is NOT to bring your baby home from the hospital and to never be able to bond with the baby outside of the womb.  When I am "lucky", there is a sentence or two about SIDS.  I guess it is THAT rare.  This is not my experience.  It just isn't.  It isn't the same.  Many people have suggested that I join a grief group and they would be right in thinking that would be the right place for me.  I feel completely alone.  I long to befriend women who have had my experience.  In my loneliness, I have thought about rejoining my book club or hanging out with my girlfriends but knowing that the bookclub conversation always turns to children and that my girlfriends leave me to go pick their kids up is heartbreaking.  The thing is, the grief groups categorize your loss.  I fall into the groups that are for women who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss.  In the groups I have called, the leader can usually name the one woman who experienced infant loss who sometimes shows up.  The people who have lost children over one year don't believe that my experience validates my being in their group.....the one for people who lost children.  Now, listen, I understand that miscarriage and stillbirth must be agonizing.  I can't even imagine that the stillbirth women feel like they can entirely relate to the miscarriage women.  It is all devastating, it just isn't the same.  And, ya, I had a miscarriage, but it was early and in comparison to what I have been through, it was more like a setback.  Sorry.  That is how it felt.  I was reading the blog of another SIDS mother who said that after her baby died, she had two miscarriages and that people kept wanting to talk to her about the miscarriages but nobody would mention her beautiful baby that died.  It doesn't surprise me at all.  If I had just had the miscarriage, I might want to talk about it too but, as my experience goes, it was just sort of a bummer that added some insult to my deep and painful injury.  I wonder if this is how the parents of children who have lost children over the age of 1 view our loss.  Maybe that is why they won't let me in their group.  I think the other thing that keeps me away from "my" group is that I am scared.  I am not scared talking to people who have lost born children, because I have done that.  I am scared talking to people with pregnancy complications because I want more children.  But I still long for friends who understand me.  Sometimes I think that I won't be able to reemerge from my hidden life until I have another child so that my friends can comfortably talk about their children in front of me again.  I pray that when I have another child, I will be able to listen and relate again.  I told Ted the other night that I wish there was someplace we could move where there were no children.  The only place I can come up with is Club Med for adults, but who wants to hang out with a bunch of horny, drunk singles when they are grieving?  Plus, Ted pointed out that even if such a place existed, why would we move there if we want more kids?  I'd like to live there and eventually be the only people with kids.  Then, I wouldn't have to run into kids that are the age Max WOULD be IF he had lived.  I wouldn't have to answer questions about how many children I have (because, for the most part, people without kids don't ask.  I never thought to before I had Max).  I wouldn't have to worry about getting sad every time I heard a mother say, "oh, he is my second child" after doing something neglectful.  Every which way I look at it, the best solution seems to be to hide in this house forever.  Perhaps I will home school and order groceries online so I don't have to ever have to leave.  It's insane really but the truth is that I don't want to have to be strong.  I have been strong for many things before in my life and I just don't want to have to be strong for this.  My brain is about to explode so I'll stop.

1 comment

Rebecca said...

We have two support groups in my area-one for child loss and one for perinatal loss. I went to the first and they were all people who had lost kids over the age of 10. Some were even adult children. The moderator suggested I go to the other one.

So, I went to that one. The people there has lost their babies to miscarriage and stillbirths. I, too, had a miscarriage at one point but it was nothing like what I experienced after losing a living, breathing child that I had gotten to know, hold, and bond with on a physical level.

The poeple in both groups were nice enough. We were just on totally different wavelengths.

Friends and family members were mixed. At one point, a friend of mine who had sat with me and my husband in the hospitl room with my sons's body for hours wrote a blog entry about her experience. I posted it on my blog as well. I know she meant well, but she wrote about mine and my husband's "vacant eyes" and how we didn't know what was going on and stuff. It was totally wrong. I KNOW she suffered in our loss as well, and seeing his body must have been a shock her system, especially since she has her own children but to write about her experience was one thing-to write about our experience was another. Unfortunately, I wasn't out of it that day and remember everything.

I have found the ladies on DS to be the most helpful, especially Katie. You'll see her pop up on here too because she's just that kind of person-she lends a hand when she can and you'll be hard-pressed to find someone more compassionate. In fact, she's so nice and understanding that sometimes when I am venting and ranting I feel a little embarrassed when she reads it because she rarely says anything negative. :-)

We are in an awkward space here. Our children were born and lived which puts us out of the pregnancy loss group but they never gained the independence (even walking in most cases) that older children had. So we're unique in that aspect. We're a small group, but there are still too many of us. I wish there didn't have to be any.