Still here

You can see by the simple fact that I am writing that our plane did not go down in a fiery blaze as we thought it would.  We thought 11-8-11 would be the end...or maybe the sick/sad part of us sort of hoped it would be the end.  When I got on the plane, I felt an ounce guilty that I was hoping for the catastrophic ending but there were no babies on our flight (thank the lord) and the woman next to me was reading "When Things Fall Apart", which signals to me that she is also experiencing a heavy period of life and probably would have welcomed the fiery blaze scenario as well.  She also had a sad, sad face.  It was like looking in a mirror.  I was almost tempted to befriend her except, who needs it really?  Instead I got to thinking about how much I love Ted.  He is so sad and it kills me.  I want him to have a happy life and even though it feels impossible, I think it has to be my new life's mission.  Maybe I won't get to take care of a baby but I need to take care of Teddy.  So far, I have failed miserably but he has taken very good care of me.  I am not sure what I would have done lying on the ground in that parking lot, thinking I was dying, if he hadn't be kneeling right over me.
Somehow I thought coming home would bring some peace back into my life but it is excruciating.  Though, last night, Ted lit a fire in our bedroom and we watched just a little television and went to sleep at around 8.  I woke up at around 8.  I needed that sleep!  
I want to talk about some of the nice moments that we had on the East Coast but I am just too exhausted right now.  I promise to do that though because they were really special and made us feel very loved.
If you haven't received your t-shirt and you ordered it, it's coming.  There were a lot of orders that came in in the week before we left and we had to reorder tshirts and then we wanted to try and get them to the folks who would be at the marathon first.  I am sorry if you didn't receive it in time but it still means a lot to us to know that you will wear them now....even if it is just to sleep in.  Thank you for your support.


Zoie said...

Hi Abby,

I want you to know that you are doing some good in the world. You are not a failure, you are grieving and you are surrendering to that reality. That does not make you weak, ugly, useless, and pathetic. You are strong and brave for doing just that. I can only imagine, but will not pretend to know how much pain and anguish it is putting you and your family through but I want you to know that you are doing some good with this. You are teaching others about grief. You are being honest about your grief. You are not lying or trivializing the devastation that Maxie's death has brought you. You are honouring the love between you and your child and you are fighting to put it in words. Of course this is impossible, but just getting a glimpse of it makes me feel like I have even for just a moment been witness to the depth and beauty of it all and I thank you for that. XX

Anonymous said...

I've stumbled across your blog. A child's death is certainly not an easy thing to go through. I wish you the best to get through this painful ordeal.

I hope that aside from your friends and family, that you are seeking professional help. You've mentioned that previously that you no longer are seeing the original grief counselor. I don't know if you are seeing another one.

Grieving is a hard thing to go through alone, especially if it is your baby. I know you have your family and friends, but as you have mentioned, often times friends and colleagues do not know how to act around you. Also, most of the times friends and even family are ill-equipped to give dispassionate and professional advise.

As someone who does not know you at all, and can only judge what is going on by your posts, it seems that some of your posts, at least to me, a lay person, are either overtly or boderline suicidal. I know that in a few of your posts, you have addressed this and said you are not suicidal. But, reading your actual words on other posts, it is just hard not to believe that you at times you are suicidal. For instance, this post is especially dark.

I hope for your sake and everyone who cares about you that you have a professional mental health provider, who can help you through this troubling time.

I know from the comments and your own posts that you have friends and family who are supporting you.

Maxie's Mommy said...

Yes, Anonymous. I have plenty of professional support. You bring up a point that is hard to explain to someone who has not been where I am. I will just address it here. I am not suicidal, in that I have no intention to kill myself. I really don't. I would never want my parents to feel the pain that I feel and I am not THAT selfish. I am also mentally pretty stable, just sad. I will say this, living is incredibly hard. Every day is struggle. There are days when I wish I just wouldn't wake up. All I know is that every woman I have spoken to who has been where I am has felt how I feel. One woman who lost a child to SIDS told me that she would get on the freeway and hope that an 18 wheeler would take her out. I know that sounds dramatic. She didn't try to get into an accident. It just seemed easier to her than having to get through another day. Again, it seems that unless you have been where I have been, what I am saying doesn't make sense. I am sorry if that is scary. It scares me a little too. I love my husband way too much and I would never want to hurt family and friends. I can't explain any better than that but I really appreciate your concern and I am sorry if it is too hard to understand.