Ted knows me better than anyone.  He always knows what I am feeling and thinking before I say a word.  He has been suggesting that I get in the water and swim since about a month after Max died.  I have resisted.  Ted and I are both swimmers.  We love the water.  We can both spend hours in a pool, ocean, lake or river.  At some level, I think I knew that he was on to something but the idea of schlepping to the gym with my swim bag and getting wet and having to shower there and everything.  Before I had my miscarriage in October, I was doing a hike in Fryman Canyon, near our house, about 3-4 times a week.  It wasn't as soothing as it sounds but I kept hoping that being in nature would calm me down.  The truth is that I was always worried that I might run into someone and listening to wanna-be 100 pound actresses complain about their boy problems really put my own problems into a perspective that was way too overwhelming.  Our gym just opened 2 brand new locations near our house, both with swimming pools.  I never have to worry about running into anyone because I don't know anyone in Burbank or North Hollywood, and even if I did, they wouldn't be using the pool.  Nobody I know would ever use the pool.  To be honest, it seems like only really weird people ever use the pool.  As long as I can stay out of their lane, I am golden.  They tend to group in the lane with the stairs anyway.  It has been about a week now since I gave into the swimming and I have to say, it is better than medicine for depression.  I actually went on an antidepressant for about a month and the swimming has helped more.  I am still depressed.  In fact it is 11 am and I am still in bed.  But, at least while I am in the pool, I have an hour when I don't think about anything.  Being submerged in water keeps my thoughts from getting too deep.  It is better for my brain than sleeping, it is better than television.  I can't hear anyone, I can't see anything except my own hands in front of my face and the end of the pool.  The water must mess with my brain waves so that no thought stays in my head for more than a minute or so.  I still think about Max but it is muted for that short time.  What a relief!

1 comment

Anna said...

Dear Abby,

Am so happy to read that swimming gave you some moments of relief.

Thinking of you and Ted and Maxie and sending love to all.