Too hard to understand

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Once again, I feel the need to try and explain myself.  I know that it is SO hard to imagine being in our shoes.  I know that it is.  Every day is incredibly hard.  I will say this, I get a strange mix of responses but equal amounts of "I am not sure I could go on living if I were you"s and "You sound borderline suicidal.  Are you seeking professional help?"s.  So, you aren't sure how I go on without killing myself and at the same time you seem to be incredibly worried that I might kill myself.  Which is it?  I am not going to do it.  I have mentioned so many times about the other parents who have told me that they felt JUST LIKE I DO.  One woman who lost an adult child told me that for the first year after the death, she thought about sticking her head in the oven every time she cooked dinner.  She didn't really do it.  Another woman (who I mentioned in my comment to the Anonymous comment on the "Still here" post.....a "different", nicer anonymous) told me that every time she got on the highway, she sort of hoped that a truck would topple her car over the side.  Then, just now, I remembered reading something the Daddy on my favorite blog wrote soon after his daughter died.  Since he put it in the public sphere, I don't feel bad posting a link to it. : http://thespohrsaremultiplying.com/mike/from-mike/.  Rest assured, this man is still alive.  He has another daughter that he is nuts about and still manages to be completely grief stricken when it comes to his first born.  His post today had me in tears from the moment I woke up: http://thespohrsaremultiplying.com/mike/to-maddie-on-her-fourth/.  It also explains how sad it is to contemplate the rest of his life without her.  Tomorrow, the 11th would have been her fourth birthday.  I think if you read what he wrote and also some of the comments below from other bereaved parents, you will understand that we all feel this way.  Frankly, I cannot imagine that a parent could lose a child and on some level not want to die.  It is THAT tragic.  In fact, wasn't our whole country riveted this past summer over that woman, Casey Anthony, who we all thought murdered her daughter simply because she didn't act appropriately after her daughter died.  I suspect something was amiss for sure, because it is simply impossible for a bereaved parent to imagine living a whole life without their child.  So, while I am promoting the daylights out of the Spohr family, their beautiful daughter, and their blog/cause/life (they don't know me from Adam), I will tell you about the lovely thing that they are doing in memory and honor of their daughter's fourth birthday.  They wrote and produced a song that they are selling for 99 cents on iTunes and Amazon to support their charity called "Friends of Maddie", which supports families in the NICU.  Having spent almost three days in the PICU and walking away with a mad case of PTSD, I can tell you this is a wonderful cause.  Anyway, the information is here: http://thespohrsaremultiplying.com/friends-of-maddie/you-are-the-one/.  It is a sweet song and to help for only 99 cents feels pretty good.  Their song was number 4 on the Amazon singer and songwriter top hits on Tuesday.  Not bad.

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